life

25 questions to ask yourself before the end of this year (part 1)

Six days till 2017 ends. This year has been oh so weird. I wanted to say adventerous, but that would be an extreme overstatement. But God, my emotions have never been as chaotic as they have been this year, hence the birth of this blog. Although I have been really lazy in keeping this up, and have regretted at times to not have captured my feelings in certain moments, something that comforts me and offers me therapy.

In order to really have a fresh start in 2018, I wanted to revisit this year, and ask myself some questions that would help me figure out somewhat how this year has been, and how can I move into 2018. So I searched on google, and found a really brilliant post by mindbodygreen that gave me 25 questions to think on (Link at the end of the post). I am going to try my best to answer those questions.

1. What am I most proud of this year?

I think the fact that I tried to come out of my comfort zone alot more and developed confidence I didn’t know I had lost growing up. I took part in debating events and didn’t go hard on myself because my progress was so slow compared to other debaters.

I was a confident kid, but somewhere between years of being let down at events, and people putting me down, I lost all the confidence, and become socially anxious. I was beyond sad about being the shy kid, mostly because I didn’t think I was one, until life gave me reality check. So it makes me happy and proud that I was able to make progress in this area.

2. How can I become a better person?

I know I need to understand more that not everyone is at the same mental level as me, and all minds run differently. Therefore I need to stop getting mad at people, and learn to be kind at all times. Be kind to people, even when others aren’t.  I also need to focus on being less irritable.

3. Where am I feeling stuck? 

My weight. One thing or another always manages to put a halt and I lose hope. Around two months ago I reached my lowest point of feeling bad about my weight, and I have been trying after that with a positive attitude. But the progress isn’t much. Exams, school, death of grandmother, and the arrival of my baby niece (who i love dearly and want to hug every second of the day) have sidetracked me.

Guess what will be in my New Year’s resolution?

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?

Hmm. I don’t think I have any specific area where I need to allow myself grace. If anything, I feel like I should be harder at myself more often so I can get shit done.

5. Am I passionate about my career?

I want to say yes, because I think and daydream about it all the time. But I don’t think that that should qualify for it to be called my passion. I am still a student, and working for my career,  but procrastination is a BIG part of me and if there is one thing I know for sure that I’m getting rid of in the new year, its this.

 

I’m loving answering these. These kind of questions get your mind thinking and give you a good picture of your year. If you want to read the next twenty questions and my answers to them, make sure to follow so you don’t miss my posts in the next four days. Do you have answers of your own? Please do share your answers with me down below because I’d love to know ❤️

Read part 2 here

Read part 3 here

Read part 4 here

The original post with all twentyfive questions can be found here.

Wishing a very merry christmas to all those celebrating. Hope you all had a lovely day!

Signing off,

Chaotic Mess

 

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life

25 questions you should ask yourself before the end of this year (part 5)

21. Who do I need to forgive? 

Some of my toxic family members for making me feel miserable sometimes.

22. Where is it time to let go?

Holding on to ‘what ifs’.

23. What old habits would I like to release? 

Answering back just to try to prove my point to people who will never agree that I’m right.

24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?

Being disciplined about any big or small task, getting what needs to be done right then and there instead of delaying, including self care in my routine are the top picks.

25. How can I be kind to myself?

By realising that my worth is more than the number on the scale.

And with this question, I end this 25 question series. You can read parts 1-5 by scrolling down on my home page, or by clicking on the links below. If you want to answer these questions and post them, do tag me because I would love to read! Hope you enjoyed reading my answers!

Read part 1 here

Read part 2 here

Read part 3 here

Read part 4 here

Signing off,

Chaotic Mess

life

25 things to do before the end of this year (part 4)

Read part 1 here

Read part 2 here

Read part 3 here

16. Where has self doubt taken over?

For me, the reason I don’t get things done is because of laziness, not because of self doubt. To be honest, self doubt doesn’t really stop me. Instead, it drives me.

17. When have I felt the most alive?

I think the time right after my exams finished m, when I decided to be more human. I set myself up morning and night routines and was exercising and on a good diet. I have no idea why and when it went away, but I’m for sure bringing it back in 2018.

18. How have I taught others to respect me?

Hmm. I have always been fascinated with the idea of being respected as a person. I have never really thought about teaching people to respect me. I guess the right way would be to respect myself. If I do that, others will follow. And ofcourse setting myself up morals and values, and live by them. My problem is I sometimes get confused between some of the values I stand for. I need to work on it.

Wow, this is one thing I would have never thought to include in my 2018 resolutions, but these questions are really making me think and aim for the bigger picture.

19. How can I improve my relationships?

By being kinder, more understanding, and developing more patience.

20. Have I been unfair to anyone?

I very ruthlessly kicked out a long time friend out of my life because she had been a toxic influence. I got in touch with her again because I felt bad for how I got rid of our friendship, and we’re on good formal terms now. I didn’t apologise to her though. I don’t see how I could do that. Like ‘hey I’m sorry for being so unreasonable but I just wanted an excuse to get rid of you. I got in touch again because I felt bad’

Yeah I don’t see that conversation ending well.

But to be honest, I have zero regrets. She was a complete ass to me and my best friend.

I think I have been unfair to my mother alot of times. Shes just the best person in my life and being unfair to her is something that I will for sure regret on later. Although I have been trying to be nicer to her recently. I cant imagine losing her and she knows that ❤️

Other than that I have been unfair to my grandmother snd this breaks my heart the most because she just passed away. Although she got unreasonable, arrogant, and pushy at times, I should have respected her at all times because of how old she was. I didn’t do that, and I hate it.

If you are enjoying reading my answers, make sure to check out all the previous parts I have linked in the beginning. Let me know how your answers to some of these questions differ or are similar.

Read part 5 here

The original post will all twenty-five questions can be found here

Hope you’re enjoying your holidays!

Signing off

Chaotic Mess

 

 

life

25 things to do before the end of this year (part 3)

Read part 1 here 

Read part 2 here

11. When did I feel the most creatively inspired?

Two days before my exam, when I couldn’t possibly do anything about the brainwaves..

12. What projects have I completed? 

This question makes me feel like I have had the most unproductive year ever. I don’t think I have had any projects to talk about. Another question I want to make sure I have a different answer to next year.

To make myself feel like not a complete loser is to tell myself that I started this blog, and that should count for something since I had been planning to do so since ages. But then this reminds me of my procastination abilities, so not really sure if this thing makes me feel better.

13. How have I procastinated?

I have excelled in the art of procastination.

14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?

I can utilise my free time in doing healthier activities and not useless shit. I can start living by a routine instead of an exhausted over slept pigeon. I can put in more time for self care. I can start exercising routinely. And the list goes on. I think I could do a whole blog post on this questions alone.

15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?

I think I’ve done a lot better in this area. I have tried things that would normally freak me out and give me anxiety. I have failed in most of them (like i feared). But I wasn’t held back because of the fears.

Today’s questions didn’t have very nice answers for me. I would love to know how you may answer these questioms differently or in somewhat the same way.

Read part 4 here.

The original post will all twenty-five questions can be found here

Signing off for today

Chaotic Mess

 

 

 

life

25 questions to ask yourself before the end of this year (part 2)

Read part 1 here

6) What lessons have I learned?

I’ve learnt some good lessons this year, thanks to all of the mistakes and regrets that followed. The most important lesson I’ve learnt this year is to kick toxic people out of my life, and that I don’t need to give them a reason to do that. For people I can’t kick out because I live with them, I have learnt to not take their words to heart.

I have learnt to forgive myself for any past mistakes. It’s a good way to put yourself at ease. I recommend you to try doing the same.

7) What did my finances looked like?

I don’t earn, but I spend quiet some amount so um is the answer bad? I don’t know!

8) How did I spend my free time?

Laying around in bed, using my phone, watching youtube videos for hours….oops got a little too honest here 😉

Here’s another thing to add to my new year’s resolution list. To spend my free time in a healthy manner.

9) How well did I take care of my mind, body and soul?

I actually took good care of my mind compared to all the past years. The motivational videos helped alot. This blog helped. I have been opening up to my friends more. I’ve been using apps for better mental health. Yeah I think its going good.

With my body, I’m not too sure. I tried to make better decisions, then gave up. Tried again, then gave up. And it’s been like that for more than five years now. Makes me sad.

Uhh never thought of taking care of the soul. What the hell is even that?

10) How have I been open minded? 

Hmm. I think by using apps for mental health that connect people and talk about their life, I have become open minded about different problems faced by different people in different parts of the world.

Today’s questions were a little harder to write answers about. I had to dig really deep into my brains to think of answers. I’m loving this series! Heres to the fifteen more coming soon.

Read part 3 here

Read part 4 here

The original post will all twenty-five questions can be found here

Till next time,

Chaotic Mess

 

 

 

 

Uncategorized

How to overcome social anxiety?

Have you ever been envious of your fellows being all confident and able to do and say whatever they wanted? I know I have. Growing up I had always been the confident kid, but it faded over the years as I entered into my teens. The social pressure to fit in coupled with my family constantly putting me down shattered every shed of confidence I had. And I hated it. I knew that this wasn’t how I was going to spend my life. I wasn’t going to let silly voices inside my head take away important opportunities from me. I had already missed more opportunities than I could keep count by the time I realised it had to change, but like they say, ‘its never too late’.

Since the time I started challenging and pushing myself, I have improved immensely. My confidence level has shot up and I can do and say things I could have no imagined a few years ago. I am not where I want to be yet, but atleast I’m not where I started. Here are some ways that I would recommend you try to gain confidence.

1.  Challenge yourself. Start doing things that scare you out of your wits. When your heart says no, tell your heart to shutup, grit your teeth and do it. Sign up for school activities. Say yes to parties and meet ups. Say hello to your crush. Constantly remind yourself that this is not how you want to spend the rest of your life and things need to change.

2. Start slow. Thinking about everything you can’t do and should start doing will overwhelm you and you might not want to do it at all. Start easy. Take slow steps. Volunteer answers in class. Smile at strangers. Set targets for yourself if that makes it easier for you. Write them down. For example one of my earliest target was to speak atleast thrice in the debating session I had volunteered for.

3. Stop being embarrassed. It is very important to understand that embarrassments are nothing but your mind telling you you’re stupid, or you shouldn’t have done that. It is absolutely alright if you shout out a wrong answer. It is alright if you get caught up in your words. You are human. You are going to have human traits. You are going to make mistakes. And trust me when I say, everyone around you does the same mistakes as you. It’s just that not everybody overthinks about them. If you feel embarrassed by something you did, ask yourself: ‘Is it going to matter in ten years that I slipped in the hallway? Will this perosn even remember me in ten years? Will I even remember him?’. Most of the times, the answer to these questions is a no. Smile, joke about it with your friends, and push it to a corner of your mind. It does NOT matter. Take a deep breath. Move on.

4. Do not let negitivity around you effect you. I know from personal experience how people who try to put you down can effect you. How words can play with your mind. But those words and negitivity will not get to you if you in your mind know that you are so much better than the words of people who do not matter. Do not let them win. Do not assume your worth from words of people who want to see you fail.

5. Count your improvements. Don’t think about how much is left to do. Think about what you did today that you couldn’t yesterday. Note them down. When you come back to read them after more improvements, you’ll notice how things that were once an accomplishment are now somehing that you do wihout a second thought. And that will be the greatest feeling in the world.

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Toxic parent & learning positivity

My earliest memory of seeing my father in one of his rages was when I was about five. It was a festive day in our country. I had woken up earlier than usual from the commotion in the house. To say that he had made a scene would be an understatement. The memory of that day is blurred. I remember screams and loud pleading, and shouting. I started weeping at the misery my house echoed. I can’t remember how the rest of the day went. Whether we celebrated that day or not. Whether I dressed up in new clothes and was told I look like a princess or I spent it crying relentlessly with my mother. I don’t think I want to remember it anyways. Maybe thats why I never asked my mom for the details of what happened. And there isn’t a need to. He has recreated the rages for me time and again. Some of those that will be etched in my mind for as long as I live. Maybe even longer. I’m not very sure the memories will stop haunting me when I die.
But today is not the day for me to be gloomy. This day is about me being positive. Because I learnt something today, that I want to share with anyone who might end up on this post. While I cried about my father being toxic on the phone to my best friend, she was the one who said what I needed the most. “Focus on the positive.”

Now I know that sounds not only old and mainstream, but overused. Because its not until you catch yourself being negative that you realise how much you really need that saying.

You see, life is all about hurdles and overcoming them. Problems won’t stop. Your toxic parent won’t stop being toxic. You cannot run away from your problems. They follow you. And you have no control over that.

What you CAN do is focus on the positive. I know its not easy. Its really hard to stop thinking about things that bring you grief, anger and self pity. Its not a change you can bring in two minutes by saying ‘focus on the positive’. It is a progress. Like weight loss. Like mental health. Like your road to success.
Two things happened to me today. My presentation at my internship went great after I worked hard on it (even though I had to face a setback), and secondly, my father acted like an asshole, which hurt me so bad I may be crying tears of blood.

So to anyone out there thinking she has no idea what she’s talking about. Trust me. I do. And you’re not alone. Just like I know I’m not alone.

So naturally, my first instinct was to call my best friend and cry to her. I sobbed and told her how tired I was. And she consoled me for an hour. I can’t recall anything she said, except for what she made me realise. I had completely undermined how well I succeeded at something I worked hard for and wished it would go well. I let this fact slide by my mind so easily as I sat there ruining my face as black mascara rolled down my cheek. I didn’t think it was of joy anymore, even though a day earlier I would day dream of it.

And I know not everyone has good happening in their life alongside bad. But even though my heart was sad, I went out and danced in the rain, and told my problems how strong I am. (BTW rain in my country is a sight of joy, since it hardly rains here). And I came back feeling strong as rock.

Here’s the trick. You have to convince yor heart and your heart will convince you. And you will love it.

So if you feel down right now, go do something that relaxes you. And while you’re on that, mock your problems for breaking you. Because you will break. And you will build. And you will rise out stronger. Just like me.

“Throw me to the wolves and I’ll return leading the pack”

“Focus on the positive”

Warm hugs and all my love to you xx
Signing off
Chaotic mess