25 questions to ask yourself before the end of this year (part 1)

Six days till 2017 ends. This year has been oh so weird. I wanted to say adventerous, but that would be an extreme overstatement. But God, my emotions have never been as chaotic as they have been this year, hence the birth of this blog. Although I have been really lazy in keeping this up, and have regretted at times to not have captured my feelings in certain moments, something that comforts me and offers me therapy.

In order to really have a fresh start in 2018, I wanted to revisit this year, and ask myself some questions that would help me figure out somewhat how this year has been, and how can I move into 2018. So I searched on google, and found a really brilliant post by mindbodygreen that gave me 25 questions to think on (Link at the end of the post). I am going to try my best to answer those questions.

1. What am I most proud of this year?

I think the fact that I tried to come out of my comfort zone alot more and developed confidence I didn’t know I had lost growing up. I took part in debating events and didn’t go hard on myself because my progress was so slow compared to other debaters.

I was a confident kid, but somewhere between years of being let down at events, and people putting me down, I lost all the confidence, and become socially anxious. I was beyond sad about being the shy kid, mostly because I didn’t think I was one, until life gave me reality check. So it makes me happy and proud that I was able to make progress in this area.

2. How can I become a better person?

I know I need to understand more that not everyone is at the same mental level as me, and all minds run differently. Therefore I need to stop getting mad at people, and learn to be kind at all times. Be kind to people, even when others aren’t.  I also need to focus on being less irritable.

3. Where am I feeling stuck? 

My weight. One thing or another always manages to put a halt and I lose hope. Around two months ago I reached my lowest point of feeling bad about my weight, and I have been trying after that with a positive attitude. But the progress isn’t much. Exams, school, death of grandmother, and the arrival of my baby niece (who i love dearly and want to hug every second of the day) have sidetracked me.

Guess what will be in my New Year’s resolution?

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?

Hmm. I don’t think I have any specific area where I need to allow myself grace. If anything, I feel like I should be harder at myself more often so I can get shit done.

5. Am I passionate about my career?

I want to say yes, because I think and daydream about it all the time. But I don’t think that that should qualify for it to be called my passion. I am still a student, and working for my career,  but procrastination is a BIG part of me and if there is one thing I know for sure that I’m getting rid of in the new year, its this.


I’m loving answering these. These kind of questions get your mind thinking and give you a good picture of your year. If you want to read the next twenty questions and my answers to them, make sure to follow so you don’t miss my posts in the next four days. Do you have answers of your own? Please do share your answers with me down below because I’d love to know ❤️

Read part 2 here

Read part 3 here

Read part 4 here

The original post with all twentyfive questions can be found here.

Wishing a very merry christmas to all those celebrating. Hope you all had a lovely day!

Signing off,

Chaotic Mess



Going over my 17th year of life…

If you read my last post about dreading my 18th birthday, you’d know that I wasn’t looking forward to this day (or even if you didn’t, the title is self explanatory). Which is a shame, because the prospect of turning legal and being able to do all the adult  things should be exciting. I remember being around 7 when my sister turned 18. And I remember thinking, gosh, she’s OLD! I used to think of her as a mature grown up who knows exactly what she’s doing. Now being 18 and being umsure about my future and my life, I know now that that wasn’t even true.

But I can’t sit and moan all day because I’m not going to have a wonderful birthday (reference to my last post). I am not going to complain all day long because I didn’t get to have as mega of a celebration as someone else did on the same day, or complain about my friends and family. I was over thinking a lot yesterday, having all these negative thoughts of people not going the extra mile for me while I would have. I don’t know if that’s true, I just like to think that I’m the better friend who does more for friends than they do for me.

You see, it’s how the world has evolved. I have more social media accounts than I need, that make me complain more about my life than I need to. It’s so sad that I would complain about the fact that I didn’t enjoy as much as the next person would on their birthday, but not be grateful for the blessed and privileged life I live.

So I thought ‘enough of the negativity’, and hopped on here to talk about something I’ve been thinking a lot recently. My 17th year was one of my most lowest point of my life. My social anxiety was at it’s worst, my grades dropped, I was slipping into depression, constantly complaining, wasting a lot of time, binge eating and hit my highest weight ever. I started hating my dad more than ever, and his tantrums and abusive behavior was the reason I’d cry myself to sleep some nights. I swear it was a lot worse than it sounds in a few words. I thought there was no out of this mess.

I’m not going to say that I’m completely past those things now. But what’s different now is my approach to all of this. I still have social anxiety, but I’m doing things now I would never last year, to break out of it. I’m working hard for my grades this time around. My complaining has reduced from a 100% last year to a 20% this year. I am working towards utilizing my time smartly, and being productive. I have been trying to eat clean for over a month now, and I know in my heart that this time I’m not going to stop. I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way. The biggest thing that has changed from last year is my mind set. I have the kind of positive thoughts I would NEVER have last year.

I am positive today more than ever, about my dreams, about my life, about my past, about everything basically. And I cannot even emphasize this in words, how much a sense of freedom this has developed in me. It’s like I was a caged bird that has now been set free. And I know that I would never be here with the knowledge of everything I have now, had it not been for the most down year of my life.

I have learnt to let go of toxic people. I have learnt to love myself. I have learnt to forgive myself. I have learnt to forgive loved ones for the flaws they have. I have learnt how complex humans are and I have learnt to accept myself and people for how they are. I have a new desire and passion to fulfill my dreams that had dirt thrown over on it, which I have to admit made me give up on them for sometime. And the best of all, I created this blog as a representation of me. I called this ‘chaotic mess’ which is how I felt at the time I made this blog. I have discovered a whole new world for myself. I have discovered a safe space for myself where I can talk about anything and connect with some amazing people.

I might have a dull birthday, but I’ll have the brightest year of my life. Here’s to an year of learning some more, growing some more, and enjoying a lot more. Here’s to an year I enter with the most positive mind set I ever had. And here’s to the day, where I won’t let petty things get me down!

This comes in perfect timings with the year coming to an end too. I would love to know how you have changed this year. What new things have you learned and how have those shaped you? And most of all, your plans for the next year.



My family.

Hello internet. I haven’t written in so long and I have excuses but I will not get into those right now. I’ve been feeling blue for a while now, and since writing is my therapy, and because I have this safe space on the internet, where I can write about anything, I thought why not.

I’m going to talk about my family today. If you have read my post ‘5 ways to live with a toxic family’, you may have figured out that I spoke from experience. The place I call home, and the people I call family, who I have been living now with for almost eighteen years, are toxic. These people have effected my mental health, and shaped my personality in ways I did not want it to. I fight myself every single day, to become the person I want to be, to be free of the impurities of the person their behaviour has tried to turn me into.

I have countless stories, events that have etched in my mind, dating to as far as when I was only five. And I know that the memories will haunt me forever. They will fight their way through and be a part of me till I die. And eventhough I have accepted that the memories will stay, I have decided to not let them wreak havoc inside my brain where they have been forced to stay hidden for so long.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I’m all alone, with no one to accompany me but the darkness of the night, and the darkness of my soul, I will let these memories win for once, let them come out and make me feel things I do not want to feel. I will let these memories take over me for the night. And when the morning light shines through my window, I will dry away the tears, and let the silence roll me into oblivion. When I wake up, I feel empty, but I like it in days following the nights that made me feel like I was going to succumb to the anxiety, fear, and the memories from my childhood.

Eventhough I have more of these memories from when I stepped into my teens, more horrifying than the childhood memories, my brain still holds onto the ones from when I was very little, maybe because no one deserves to feel like their childhood memories will be the end of them.

My beloved family,

A 5 year old child does not deserve to be beaten so bad her sobs echo through the house, and her little body fights for every breath, for reasons neither you nor her can remember. A 5 year old child does not deserve to be laid hands on because she was being noisy about her brother hitting her. A child does not deserve to be degraded and destroyed before life has the chance to. A child should not feel like the worse thing happened to her is her family. Little girl, does she even know what life will do to her in a few years?

A teen, soon turning into a young adult, should not cry herself to sleep because of the memories she has from more than 10 years ago. From a time where memories fade and the mind does not remember. The mind does not remember. So then why does it hold onto the pieces that destroy her?

A little girl does not deserve to feel what depression is before even knowing what it is.

You took the naiveness and innocence God gave her, and turned it into bitterness. Turned it into something she spent years fighting, and still does.

I hope that you will read this someday, and regret your decisions. Because if you have made me bitter, it comes out for you first.

Your destroyed daughter


The little girl is a warrior by the way, did you know? She will champion on as she turns eighteen next month. As the time for her to leave the house you haunted her in comes close. The girl has learnt to not only fight the demons in her siblings and father, but she is a pro in fighting her inner demons, and the demons life has thrown on her. The little girl has grown up too fast. She is stronger and smarter than you can ever imagine, and she will fight for a life where she doesn’t have to remember.

So my toxic family, you may have destroyed the naive, innocent and precious me, but I have acquired strenght, hope, and the power of being truthful to myself. You will watch me while I rise from the ashes you threw me in. And you will watch me end up in a place where I will not need you. And your selfish hands won’t be able to hurt me anymore. But till that time comes, you will see me get better at fighting this war. And I will show you.

You may have never heard of chaotic mess, but you created her.



January 2018: how was my first month of the year?

I don’t like being pessimist. I really hate admitting I let myself down and I dread the feeling of guilt that comes along with it. Here’s an overview of how the first month of the new year went for me.

Pethatic exam results

Only eleven days into the new year, I got my exam results and damn, they were horrible. After two days of mourning, Nuts and I made a timetable for ourselves to follow through till our next exams and I swore I would commit to them, which brings me to another highlight of the month.

Failing to keep up with my study tasks

This one brings me down like nothing else. I made a very doable time table. But majority of my days goes into babysitting the new arrival in our family (who I LOVE to bits). My sister has an exam very very soon so I am happy to help her out by babysistting, but this means I am constantly sleep deprived, energy deprived, and now motivation deprived and VERY behind on my study tasks. This is so unbelievably horrifying to me because this is the most important year of my life, and these exams are the most inportant exams of my life. Last time I heard her exam was on 7th Feb, after which I wouldn’t have to spend as mich time babysitting, but now I heard its been delayed a little and now I am on a verge of panic attack.

Failing to keep up my health goals

I have gone into big details about my weight before so I’m not gonna do that here, but this is another bummer enough to keep me down.

Failing to take care of my hair

I have wanted long hair ever since I was a kid, but my hair was never taken good care of, and is not in a good state. I really really want healthy long hair but thats just a far fetched dream from the looks of it. I wanna shave my head and start over, but I’ll have to hide my head for atleast two years until some hair can grow back and i can pretend it never went away. But how the hell will I manage to hide it?

Have gotten sick twice in the space of 20 days

Really sucks having a runny nose and headache

Went through a tiny phase of jealousy towards my best friend and hate myself for it

It was very silly, but silly things do bother me and I hate that I can’t be a completely loyal friend. I also hate that her mother lied to me about not being able to celebrate because her mother in law was sick, because she thought that would convince me to travel cities alone for her daughter’s extravagant birthday. I wouldn’t be so mad if they tried to go to the same lenghts for my birthday.

Eventhough I was jealous, I had an amazing time with her and I hate that I feel so conflicted.

Found new evidences of my siblings being actual pieces of shit

Not gonna go in detail but hate those bullies

Embarrassed myself infront of my crush’s friend 

Because he knows I have a crush on his friend, he’ll for sure tell him what happened. And even though its not that embarrassing, I am an easily embarrassed person and this new thing is eating me.

My mood has been bad

I’m going to break down very soon and maybe then I’ll feel better, but till then I’m going to continue being teary, irritable, sad, upset, jealous, guilty and everything in between.

Now maybe I shouldn’t be all whiny, and talk about some good stuff too.

Got to meet my bestie after so long

Let’s ignore the negitivity involved from my side here for some time

Getting the chance to be closer to my eldest sister (the nice sibling, apart from the two I hate)

She got married and moved out when I was sixteen and we never had a close bond. I was more of a baby to her since she’s eleven years older. This is the first time she has come to stay for such a long time after marriage (two years ago) and I love that we are more open to each other. She lives veryy far away so that’s a bummer. Feels like I can find the negative in anything lol.

I think that’s enough rant especially now that I feel very sleepy.

Please leave a comment if you have any suggestions, or are dealing with similar situations.

Signing Off

Chaotic Mess



I regret my last post

I thought about deleting it. But just because I regret feeling a certain way doesn’t mean that those feelings weren’t legitimate at some point. So I let it be.

I had an amazing weekend surprising my bestfriend, having long conversations, deep chats, being silly, and getting ready together after such a long time was amazing.

I am blessed to have friends that I can be completely myself infront of and who I love deeply.

Life has different struggles for everyone. My best friend gets to have amazing birthdays, but has her own share of struggles. Just like every single person on this planet. And I’m blessed that my share of struggles aren’t the worst, and that life CAN get worse.

So thankyou, God, for blessing me with amazing friends, amazing mama and a good life. Lets all take one moment to think about all the good things in life, and talk about those instead of letting our bad times in life get the worst of us.

Please leave a comment! I’d love to talk about this topic in more detail!

Stay safe, happy, and be grateful for the good things in life!

Signing off,

Chaotic Mess


Jealous bestfriend :/

I hate it when people take certain things for granted. Especially when they have had the luck to have very special moments in their life. If you have had several amazing and extraordinary birthdays in the past because of your friends and parents (who you did nothing for on their birthdays), then you have NO RIGHT to be irritated when one birthday doesn’t go as mega and amazing.

I may sound like a whiny seven year old here, but my best friend can be a bit difficult at times. Year after year of giving her surprises, arranged by her mother and I, she has the audacity to be irritated when one birthday isn’t full of surprises. Lets also remember that in all these years, never once have I had a birthday worth remembering. And she didn’t even plan anything for her mom’s birthday who most of the times is the mastermind behind the surprises. Call me jealous, but when my eighteenth was the worst birthday ever, and her eighteenth was the best birthday ever, I have every right to be mad at her for being irritated at her boring nineteenth. What irritates me is that we still have a surprise planned this year, but its a day late because I live in a different city than her. God knows how scared I am to travel alone to another city to surprise someone who hasn’t once made sure I had a good birthday. I don’t know why I didn’t make an excuse for not being able to make it to the surprise. I could have very easily.

She didn’t tell me that she’s irritated, which I would break her face for if she did. Her mom texted me to tell me about her mood.

When you think about it, people who are used to having birthdays celebrated in a luxurious way since as young as they can remember may think it is right to feel irritated. Maybe I’m wrong to blame her, and maybe I’m doing it out of jealousy, but damn, I hate that she has high expectations and I have given up on hoping for a good birthday.

Don’t get me wrong, I love her to bits and can’t imagine life without her silly advices. But I’m just a jealous girl who never had a good birthday of her own.


This rant brings me guilt as well because y’know, what kind of a bestfriend gets jealous of their bestie?

I’m going to miss out alot of study time as well so I’m nervous about that as well. (A post coming about my result and study soon).

Anyhow, we’ll see what happens. I’m pretty sure once I see her all these negative feelings will go away.

If you have had similar feelings or know how to deal with them, please leave a comment because some help is needed. I don’t think this necessarily makes me a bad friend, but do let me know what you think about it.

Till next time,

Signing off,

Chaotic Mess


25 questions you should ask yourself before the end of this year (part 5)

21. Who do I need to forgive? 

Some of my toxic family members for making me feel miserable sometimes.

22. Where is it time to let go?

Holding on to ‘what ifs’.

23. What old habits would I like to release? 

Answering back just to try to prove my point to people who will never agree that I’m right.

24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?

Being disciplined about any big or small task, getting what needs to be done right then and there instead of delaying, including self care in my routine are the top picks.

25. How can I be kind to myself?

By realising that my worth is more than the number on the scale.

And with this question, I end this 25 question series. You can read parts 1-5 by scrolling down on my home page, or by clicking on the links below. If you want to answer these questions and post them, do tag me because I would love to read! Hope you enjoyed reading my answers!

Read part 1 here

Read part 2 here

Read part 3 here

Read part 4 here

Signing off,

Chaotic Mess


25 things to do before the end of this year (part 4)

Read part 1 here

Read part 2 here

Read part 3 here

16. Where has self doubt taken over?

For me, the reason I don’t get things done is because of laziness, not because of self doubt. To be honest, self doubt doesn’t really stop me. Instead, it drives me.

17. When have I felt the most alive?

I think the time right after my exams finished m, when I decided to be more human. I set myself up morning and night routines and was exercising and on a good diet. I have no idea why and when it went away, but I’m for sure bringing it back in 2018.

18. How have I taught others to respect me?

Hmm. I have always been fascinated with the idea of being respected as a person. I have never really thought about teaching people to respect me. I guess the right way would be to respect myself. If I do that, others will follow. And ofcourse setting myself up morals and values, and live by them. My problem is I sometimes get confused between some of the values I stand for. I need to work on it.

Wow, this is one thing I would have never thought to include in my 2018 resolutions, but these questions are really making me think and aim for the bigger picture.

19. How can I improve my relationships?

By being kinder, more understanding, and developing more patience.

20. Have I been unfair to anyone?

I very ruthlessly kicked out a long time friend out of my life because she had been a toxic influence. I got in touch with her again because I felt bad for how I got rid of our friendship, and we’re on good formal terms now. I didn’t apologise to her though. I don’t see how I could do that. Like ‘hey I’m sorry for being so unreasonable but I just wanted an excuse to get rid of you. I got in touch again because I felt bad’

Yeah I don’t see that conversation ending well.

But to be honest, I have zero regrets. She was a complete ass to me and my best friend.

I think I have been unfair to my mother alot of times. Shes just the best person in my life and being unfair to her is something that I will for sure regret on later. Although I have been trying to be nicer to her recently. I cant imagine losing her and she knows that ❤️

Other than that I have been unfair to my grandmother snd this breaks my heart the most because she just passed away. Although she got unreasonable, arrogant, and pushy at times, I should have respected her at all times because of how old she was. I didn’t do that, and I hate it.

If you are enjoying reading my answers, make sure to check out all the previous parts I have linked in the beginning. Let me know how your answers to some of these questions differ or are similar.

Read part 5 here

The original post will all twenty-five questions can be found here

Hope you’re enjoying your holidays!

Signing off

Chaotic Mess




25 things to do before the end of this year (part 3)

Read part 1 here 

Read part 2 here

11. When did I feel the most creatively inspired?

Two days before my exam, when I couldn’t possibly do anything about the brainwaves..

12. What projects have I completed? 

This question makes me feel like I have had the most unproductive year ever. I don’t think I have had any projects to talk about. Another question I want to make sure I have a different answer to next year.

To make myself feel like not a complete loser is to tell myself that I started this blog, and that should count for something since I had been planning to do so since ages. But then this reminds me of my procastination abilities, so not really sure if this thing makes me feel better.

13. How have I procastinated?

I have excelled in the art of procastination.

14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?

I can utilise my free time in doing healthier activities and not useless shit. I can start living by a routine instead of an exhausted over slept pigeon. I can put in more time for self care. I can start exercising routinely. And the list goes on. I think I could do a whole blog post on this questions alone.

15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?

I think I’ve done a lot better in this area. I have tried things that would normally freak me out and give me anxiety. I have failed in most of them (like i feared). But I wasn’t held back because of the fears.

Today’s questions didn’t have very nice answers for me. I would love to know how you may answer these questioms differently or in somewhat the same way.

Read part 4 here.

The original post will all twenty-five questions can be found here

Signing off for today

Chaotic Mess





25 questions to ask yourself before the end of this year (part 2)

Read part 1 here

6) What lessons have I learned?

I’ve learnt some good lessons this year, thanks to all of the mistakes and regrets that followed. The most important lesson I’ve learnt this year is to kick toxic people out of my life, and that I don’t need to give them a reason to do that. For people I can’t kick out because I live with them, I have learnt to not take their words to heart.

I have learnt to forgive myself for any past mistakes. It’s a good way to put yourself at ease. I recommend you to try doing the same.

7) What did my finances looked like?

I don’t earn, but I spend quiet some amount so um is the answer bad? I don’t know!

8) How did I spend my free time?

Laying around in bed, using my phone, watching youtube videos for hours….oops got a little too honest here 😉

Here’s another thing to add to my new year’s resolution list. To spend my free time in a healthy manner.

9) How well did I take care of my mind, body and soul?

I actually took good care of my mind compared to all the past years. The motivational videos helped alot. This blog helped. I have been opening up to my friends more. I’ve been using apps for better mental health. Yeah I think its going good.

With my body, I’m not too sure. I tried to make better decisions, then gave up. Tried again, then gave up. And it’s been like that for more than five years now. Makes me sad.

Uhh never thought of taking care of the soul. What the hell is even that?

10) How have I been open minded? 

Hmm. I think by using apps for mental health that connect people and talk about their life, I have become open minded about different problems faced by different people in different parts of the world.

Today’s questions were a little harder to write answers about. I had to dig really deep into my brains to think of answers. I’m loving this series! Heres to the fifteen more coming soon.

Read part 3 here

Read part 4 here

The original post will all twenty-five questions can be found here

Till next time,

Chaotic Mess