Going over my 17th year of life…

If you read my last post about dreading my 18th birthday, you’d know that I wasn’t looking forward to this day (or even if you didn’t, the title is self explanatory). Which is a shame, because the prospect of turning legal and being able to do all the adult  things should be exciting. I remember being around 7 when my sister turned 18. And I remember thinking, gosh, she’s OLD! I used to think of her as a mature grown up who knows exactly what she’s doing. Now being 18 and being umsure about my future and my life, I know now that that wasn’t even true.

But I can’t sit and moan all day because I’m not going to have a wonderful birthday (reference to my last post). I am not going to complain all day long because I didn’t get to have as mega of a celebration as someone else did on the same day, or complain about my friends and family. I was over thinking a lot yesterday, having all these negative thoughts of people not going the extra mile for me while I would have. I don’t know if that’s true, I just like to think that I’m the better friend who does more for friends than they do for me.

You see, it’s how the world has evolved. I have more social media accounts than I need, that make me complain more about my life than I need to. It’s so sad that I would complain about the fact that I didn’t enjoy as much as the next person would on their birthday, but not be grateful for the blessed and privileged life I live.

So I thought ‘enough of the negativity’, and hopped on here to talk about something I’ve been thinking a lot recently. My 17th year was one of my most lowest point of my life. My social anxiety was at it’s worst, my grades dropped, I was slipping into depression, constantly complaining, wasting a lot of time, binge eating and hit my highest weight ever. I started hating my dad more than ever, and his tantrums and abusive behavior was the reason I’d cry myself to sleep some nights. I swear it was a lot worse than it sounds in a few words. I thought there was no out of this mess.

I’m not going to say that I’m completely past those things now. But what’s different now is my approach to all of this. I still have social anxiety, but I’m doing things now I would never last year, to break out of it. I’m working hard for my grades this time around. My complaining has reduced from a 100% last year to a 20% this year. I am working towards utilizing my time smartly, and being productive. I have been trying to eat clean for over a month now, and I know in my heart that this time I’m not going to stop. I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way. The biggest thing that has changed from last year is my mind set. I have the kind of positive thoughts I would NEVER have last year.

I am positive today more than ever, about my dreams, about my life, about my past, about everything basically. And I cannot even emphasize this in words, how much a sense of freedom this has developed in me. It’s like I was a caged bird that has now been set free. And I know that I would never be here with the knowledge of everything I have now, had it not been for the most down year of my life.

I have learnt to let go of toxic people. I have learnt to love myself. I have learnt to forgive myself. I have learnt to forgive loved ones for the flaws they have. I have learnt how complex humans are and I have learnt to accept myself and people for how they are. I have a new desire and passion to fulfill my dreams that had dirt thrown over on it, which I have to admit made me give up on them for sometime. And the best of all, I created this blog as a representation of me. I called this ‘chaotic mess’ which is how I felt at the time I made this blog. I have discovered a whole new world for myself. I have discovered a safe space for myself where I can talk about anything and connect with some amazing people.

I might have a dull birthday, but I’ll have the brightest year of my life. Here’s to an year of learning some more, growing some more, and enjoying a lot more. Here’s to an year I enter with the most positive mind set I ever had. And here’s to the day, where I won’t let petty things get me down!

This comes in perfect timings with the year coming to an end too. I would love to know how you have changed this year. What new things have you learned and how have those shaped you? And most of all, your plans for the next year.



My family.

Hello internet. I haven’t written in so long and I have excuses but I will not get into those right now. I’ve been feeling blue for a while now, and since writing is my therapy, and because I have this safe space on the internet, where I can write about anything, I thought why not.

I’m going to talk about my family today. If you have read my post ‘5 ways to live with a toxic family’, you may have figured out that I spoke from experience. The place I call home, and the people I call family, who I have been living now with for almost eighteen years, are toxic. These people have effected my mental health, and shaped my personality in ways I did not want it to. I fight myself every single day, to become the person I want to be, to be free of the impurities of the person their behaviour has tried to turn me into.

I have countless stories, events that have etched in my mind, dating to as far as when I was only five. And I know that the memories will haunt me forever. They will fight their way through and be a part of me till I die. And eventhough I have accepted that the memories will stay, I have decided to not let them wreak havoc inside my brain where they have been forced to stay hidden for so long.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I’m all alone, with no one to accompany me but the darkness of the night, and the darkness of my soul, I will let these memories win for once, let them come out and make me feel things I do not want to feel. I will let these memories take over me for the night. And when the morning light shines through my window, I will dry away the tears, and let the silence roll me into oblivion. When I wake up, I feel empty, but I like it in days following the nights that made me feel like I was going to succumb to the anxiety, fear, and the memories from my childhood.

Eventhough I have more of these memories from when I stepped into my teens, more horrifying than the childhood memories, my brain still holds onto the ones from when I was very little, maybe because no one deserves to feel like their childhood memories will be the end of them.

My beloved family,

A 5 year old child does not deserve to be beaten so bad her sobs echo through the house, and her little body fights for every breath, for reasons neither you nor her can remember. A 5 year old child does not deserve to be laid hands on because she was being noisy about her brother hitting her. A child does not deserve to be degraded and destroyed before life has the chance to. A child should not feel like the worse thing happened to her is her family. Little girl, does she even know what life will do to her in a few years?

A teen, soon turning into a young adult, should not cry herself to sleep because of the memories she has from more than 10 years ago. From a time where memories fade and the mind does not remember. The mind does not remember. So then why does it hold onto the pieces that destroy her?

A little girl does not deserve to feel what depression is before even knowing what it is.

You took the naiveness and innocence God gave her, and turned it into bitterness. Turned it into something she spent years fighting, and still does.

I hope that you will read this someday, and regret your decisions. Because if you have made me bitter, it comes out for you first.

Your destroyed daughter


The little girl is a warrior by the way, did you know? She will champion on as she turns eighteen next month. As the time for her to leave the house you haunted her in comes close. The girl has learnt to not only fight the demons in her siblings and father, but she is a pro in fighting her inner demons, and the demons life has thrown on her. The little girl has grown up too fast. She is stronger and smarter than you can ever imagine, and she will fight for a life where she doesn’t have to remember.

So my toxic family, you may have destroyed the naive, innocent and precious me, but I have acquired strenght, hope, and the power of being truthful to myself. You will watch me while I rise from the ashes you threw me in. And you will watch me end up in a place where I will not need you. And your selfish hands won’t be able to hurt me anymore. But till that time comes, you will see me get better at fighting this war. And I will show you.

You may have never heard of chaotic mess, but you created her.


Dreading my 18th birthday

Warning: Isound very bloody immature in this post, so if you are not ready for the cringe or whining of a soon to be 18 year old, please leave! Come back some other time because I’m a little more mature at other times.


Hello WordPress family! I haven’t written in so long. How have you all been? (I’m genuinely interested in knowing that, not just asking for the heck of it lol). My exams FINALLY finished last Thursday and I’ve just been kind of relaxing. I’ve been meaning to write for days but the end of exams usually comes with procrastinating things so you can sleep more (at least for me!)

Anyhow, I’m back and thats that. I have lots of things I want to talk about. I have a whole list in my notes of topics. But I’m not starting with the list in my notes yet, because today, I can only talk about 23rd November, my birthday.

Growing up, I loved my birthdays. Who doesn’t? I would count down months till my birthday and the thought of it drawing close gave me adrenaline rush. I’m not sure why that was so. Growing up, I only remember celebrating my 8th birthday. I don’t know what was special that time around. Why my parents decided that having a party wouldn’t be too stressful that one time. I really enjoyed that day. I had friends over and we played a lot of games. I ended up breaking my arm and having to deal with the fractured bone for a month, but all in all, it was a good day.

Usually I would inform my parents a day before my birthday (because my parents don’t remember unnecessary details like that). One time it was my 6th or 7th birthday, I was coming home from school with my dad and I mentioned it to him. He told me to invite my cousins over and that he’d order cake. I was ecstatic. My brother was excited too. When we got home and I broke the news to my mother, she got mad and told us to not bother her with extra burden and that she was already busy. Now she may seem like an asshole, but she’s not. She had her reasons, one being that my bipolar father always has some sort of tantrums when there is work load, and he doesn’t help at home at all. So it was all down to her, to not only make arrangements but also listen to dramas and the asshole of a husband. So its not her fault, Its just that I wish she would have said it in a way that didn’t hurt me the way it did. More than 10 years later, the thought still hurts me.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents aren’t horrible people, my dad is an asshole 80% of the time, but my mom, she’s an angel. She has a lot of parenting faults that bother me, but I love her to bits. She has had a tough life, and does her best. Those faults exist because she doesn’t know any better. And I have decided to forgive her for all the right things she does. I know I would be lost without her, and I pray to God that I don’t have to lose her as long as I live. I don’t think I will be able to bear losing her, and it would surely be the end of me.

Now talking about my birthdays, I have never had THE birthday. When I see my class mates celebrating their birthdays in style, it sends pangs of jealousy in my body. When i got older, I started celebrating my birthdays with my friends rather than counting on my family. On my 15th birthday, I went out with my friends for my birthday lunch, and it was an okay day. A few gifts. Good enough for me. On my 16th, I invited friends to my house and did the arrangements myself. I ordered pizza for food, ordered cake myself, bought candles myself and blew them out with my three friends in my small room. My 17th birthday was the worst one I ever had, and I will talk about that day in another post some other time. Two months later, my best friend had the best birthday she ever had (her mom did an amazing job, I will talk about that too when I talk about my 17th birthday). So as much as I was happy for her, I just wished my birthday had come even a little close to what she had.

Needless to say, at this point, I have zero excitement for my birthday. Not only do I share my birthday with two more people at school who will for sure have some sort of celebration at school, but the fact that people know I share birthdays with them will be a little humiliating. Because this year, none of my friends go to the same school as me. And I may sound so bloody immature, but I don’t want my crush to think I’m this lonely girl who has bloody boring birthdays compared to people who share the same birthday. As foolish as this sounds, I’m dreading my 18th birthday, and there’s nothing I can do to skip that day of the year.

One Lovely Blogger Award

I didn’t think I’d be writing another blog post so soon, but then a notification popped up that I had been nominated for the One Lovely Blogger Award.

First of all, let me take this moment to tell you that I had a little bit of a fangirl moment when I saw that https://discoveringyourhappiness.com/ had nominated me for this award. Her blog is one of my absolute favourites. It’s the perfect way to declutter the mess in your mind. Her posts are so inspiring and motivational, definitely worth a read! Thankyou so much for the tag!

7 things about me

1) I like doing maths!

2) I LOVE travelling. I have been to 9 different countries with my family. I would love to travel with my friends and my bucket list includes visiting every single country in this world.

3) Chocolate is my weakness. When I was younger I wished our world would turn into a chocolate world where everything was made out of chocolate. Some of my faves include Dairy Milk, Galaxy, KitKat, Toblerone, Twix, Daim and Feraro Rochers.

4) People used to compliment me on how kind I was. It has changed into people complaining about how iritable and rude I have become 😂

5) I am very into politics, and would like to talk about it on my blog in the future.

6) I am a huge Potterhead!

7) I love readingI’m going to start doing book reviews soon on my blog!

I would like to nominate:




The Rules:

Thank the person who nominated you and link their blog
Add the One Lovely Blog Award to your post
Share 7 things about yourself
Pass this on to as many people as you like (max 15)
Include this set of rules
Inform your nominees

PS I’m sorry if I wasnt able to tag you all successfully. I’m new to this and couldnt figure out how to do it so gave it my best shot!

Weight loss milestone rewards

I may look a little obsessed with my weight now, with this being the third post in a row about it. Trust me, I’m not. I know life is alot more than my physical appearance. I have alot in life that I give importance to. Some of the things I have talked about already, others that I will talk about in the future.

Over the last few years, I have tried, and failed, tried and yet again, failed to get rid of the extra weight I have. And today I am at a weight that could have been avoided had I not failed all the previous times. Anyhow, I’m not writing this post so I can vent about my failures or regret what has been done. I have made a list of milestone rewards that I will award myself once I reach certain goals. I hope that posting it here will not only serve as a motivation for me (and may as well motivate someone else to do the same), but keep me accountable as well.

10 pounds milestone: GET A NEW BOOK! 

My plan for weight-loss is to lose 1 pound per week, although I really hope that it comes off faster than that. This means that I should reach this goal by the end of December. Which if I do, imma treat myself to a new book! I am a bookworm, incase you didn’t know and have been DYING to get my hands on some new books. But I had to restrain myself because of my exams. Although exams finish in mid November, and I had promised myself to go to the bookstore right after, I think setting it up as a reward for my first milestone is a better idea. This will probably motivate me to get some excercise done and get rid of those pounds faster. Fingers crossed. Can’t wait!

15 pounds milestone: Get a new branded pair of glasses! 

Now I had to start wearing glasses about an year ago for my eyesight, and I was sooo unsure about it. I went to exactly one shop to choose a frame and bought one after trying  hundreds of pairs. The one I got were better than the rest, but I wasn’t completely happy with them. I told myself I’d go shopping for some good ones the coming weekend. Fast forward to an year later, the weekend never came. Although I have to admit, it was because of how much I grew to like these ones. Still, I had to go for another eye checkup six months later, that I never did. So I plan to do that once I’m done with these bloody exams, and get a new pair as a reward for reaching the 15 pound milestone!

20 pounds milestone: GO CLOTHES SHOPPING!

Okay, I have to admit. I am excited the most for this one. Call me shallow, but every time I have been upset beacuse of my weight, its because I don’t look nice in clothes. Although I have been fat my entire life, going clothes shopping was exciting when I was younger. Now, I complain all the time that I don’t have clothes, but avoid going shopping at the same time. Because I HATE the disappointment of something nice not fitting, or not looking nice because of the extra fat I carry. I’ve heard that you start seeing changes yourself after a 20 pound loss. So not only will I fit clothes better by the time I have lost 20 pounds, but it will be a fantastic way to say ‘well done!’ to myself. Really looking forward to this one.

Although 20 pounds is only 25% of the total weight I want to lose, these are the only milestones I will talk about for now. Making plans for what I will do after losing 20 lbs seems overwhelming, let alone for the entire journey. I can always write a part 2 of this post once I have reached the 25% mark.

It’s only the third day on this new journey and I have a LONG way to go. Reaching only 25% of the goal will take me around five months. I really really hope that this is it this time. And that this is the journey that will lead me to my goals. I don’t think I can stand another failure. It will probably be the end of me. This trial and error proces has exhausted me, and I cannot fail again.


Start of something great or another journey to failure?

The number of times I’ve given up. The number of times I’ve started over. Especially in the last 2 years. Every single time I started I told myself ‘this is it’. But it never was.

I’m tired of being tired of my weight. I’m tired of starting over again and again. I’m tired of looking at nice clothes and thinking I wish they’d look good on me. I’m tired of looking at nice clothes and thinking I wish they would fit me. I’m tired of turning down invitations because I don’t want people to see me fat. I’m tired of  having the stack of clothes in my wardrobe that don’t fit me. I’m tired of thinking ‘maybe my crush would like me if I was thin’. I’m tired of people telling me I need to lose weight. I’m tired of missing out on opportunities because I’m fat. I’m tired of not feeling pretty because of the tons of extra pounds. I’m just so tired.

And the sad thing is, it has got to the point where now starting over gives me anxiety. I think ‘here we go again’. The excitement of starting over has long gone. Its emptiness and hopelessness now. I try to be positive throughout different areas in life, but this is just one place where I’m tired of being positive. I’ve seen so many overweight/obese people transform right infront of my eyes and I’ve seen my willpower fade so many times. I’ve felt bad about it so many times.

But since giving up completely is something I can never imagine doing, here I go again. My heart is heavy as I write this, the fear of walking another path to failure looms over my head. The fear of letting myself down again is heavy on me. And the only way to get this big weight off my chest is to make it work.

I am very unsure, very fearful and very anxious about it. I dont even have it in me to boost my morale with motivational quotes or anything of the sort. I’m just saying to myself ‘lets try this again’, and going with it.

Day 1 of this journey has come to an end. Lets see how far this journey goes.

I believe in myself is all I’ll say.

Fingers crossed.



Fat and misreable

I am sick of being sick of being tired of being fat. Ugh. I just binge ate 1000 calories. I may explode. I have an exam in one day. I probably have a trip abroad with my school fellows (including my crush) in two months. And I’m still fat.

And I feel horrible for saying this. For making this the top of my worries. Only yesterday I was reading some blogs of people who have been through extremely difficult times, and I feel like an ass complaining about my weight.

But I still am. I am full to my stomach. Last time I checked I was 175lbs. I am 5’2. I don’t have the courage to check how much I weigh now. I don’t think I can cause myself more pain a day before I have an important exam that i still have to revise for.

My heart is heavy. My best friend lost 10kgs and she looks amazing. I’m happy that she was able to do it, especially because she was having low self esteem because of a certain man and a woman, but thats another story. But I am in disgust of myself, thinking of how we could have been in the same boat at the same time and done it together, but no, my lazy ass couldnt. I didnt. I hate what I did.

I hate being this misreable. I hate this.

How to move on after doing a bad exam?

This is one post I never thought I would need to write. But life is funny, and unexpected. So here I am, after doing a bad paper, writing, because writing is therapy and I really need some sort of therapy. These are ways that I dealt with after doing a bad exam.

1. Have a nap. Typical me. But honestly, naps fix the world. The bubbling anxiety, fear, the prospect of getting a bad grade, and so on. Take a nap, and deal with the rest when you wake up. (BTW i write this after being woken up from my nap)


2) Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. And exhale. It’s not the end of the world. If you are in a similar position like me and have a chance of balancing the grade with another coming exam, work with every fibre in your body. Don’t go to sleep until you know you have turnt things around. You need that grade. Dont let the setback discourage you. Go get it. And I’m going to come back here and update on th 17th of Oct if I have been able to turn things around.

If you are not in that position, and have no way to turn things around, or if this was your last chance, and you do not believe in miracles or God or prayers, read the first five words of the first paragraph again. You gotta inhale, and exhale. Inhale every bad prospect that you think is coming your way, and exhale, thinking about how much power you have to take life’s rocks, and still be able to carry on. Inhale, if you have let yourself down, exhale, because only you will bring yourself back up. Inhale, because life is going on, and exhale, because life is unexpected, and with life going on, there’s still a chance, love.

3. If you have the time, do something calming, or relaxing. Do not go to sleep upset. Do not go to sleep crying. Do not go to sleep complaining. Go to sleep with gratitude. It could have been worse. You know all the ways it could have been worse. Think, there is always a way to turn bad days into good ones, a bad experience into a learnful one. Think, where did you go wrong? Where could you have done better? What could have been done better? What could have been done differently. Make notes. Learn, not mourn. Be grateful, don’t complain. No mater how bad of a day you have had. And inhale. Exhale. The times will pass. Ten years from now, you have to look back at this day, and make sure it does not bring sadness to you. Let this day bring you learnful experiences, and pride ten years from now. Go. Do it. I know you can. And you will. Never, ever, even think of giving up. And you’ll see where it takes you.