My earliest memory of seeing my father in one of his rages was when I was about five. It was a festive day in our country. I had woken up earlier than usual from the commotion in the house. To say that he had made a scene would be an understatement. The memory of that day is blurred. I remember screams and loud pleading, and shouting. I started weeping at the misery my house echoed. I can’t remember how the rest of the day went. Whether we celebrated that day or not. Whether I dressed up in new clothes and was told I look like a princess or I spent it crying relentlessly with my mother. I don’t think I want to remember it anyways. Maybe thats why I never asked my mom for the details of what happened. And there isn’t a need to. He has recreated the rages for me time and again. Some of those that will be etched in my mind for as long as I live. Maybe even longer. I’m not very sure the memories will stop haunting me when I die.
But today is not the day for me to be gloomy. This day is about me being positive. Because I learnt something today, that I want to share with anyone who might end up on this post. While I cried about my father being toxic on the phone to my best friend, she was the one who said what I needed the most. “Focus on the positive.”
Now I know that sounds not only old and mainstream, but overused. Because its not until you catch yourself being negative that you realise how much you really need that saying.
You see, life is all about hurdles and overcoming them. Problems won’t stop. Your toxic parent won’t stop being toxic. You cannot run away from your problems. They follow you. And you have no control over that.
What you CAN do is focus on the positive. I know its not easy. Its really hard to stop thinking about things that bring you grief, anger and self pity. Its not a change you can bring in two minutes by saying ‘focus on the positive’. It is a progress. Like weight loss. Like mental health. Like your road to success.
Two things happened to me today. My presentation at my internship went great after I worked hard on it (even though I had to face a setback), and secondly, my father acted like an asshole, which hurt me so bad I may be crying tears of blood.
So to anyone out there thinking she has no idea what she’s talking about. Trust me. I do. And you’re not alone. Just like I know I’m not alone.
So naturally, my first instinct was to call my best friend and cry to her. I sobbed and told her how tired I was. And she consoled me for an hour. I can’t recall anything she said, except for what she made me realise. I had completely undermined how well I succeeded at something I worked hard for and wished it would go well. I let this fact slide by my mind so easily as I sat there ruining my face as black mascara rolled down my cheek. I didn’t think it was of joy anymore, even though a day earlier I would day dream of it.
And I know not everyone has good happening in their life alongside bad. But even though my heart was sad, I went out and danced in the rain, and told my problems how strong I am. (BTW rain in my country is a sight of joy, since it hardly rains here). And I came back feeling strong as rock.
Here’s the trick. You have to convince yor heart and your heart will convince you. And you will love it.
So if you feel down right now, go do something that relaxes you. And while you’re on that, mock your problems for breaking you. Because you will break. And you will build. And you will rise out stronger. Just like me.
“Throw me to the wolves and I’ll return leading the pack”
“Focus on the positive”
Warm hugs and all my love to you xx