Random Rambling

Hello wordpress, and especially my seven followers (lol). (Thankyou for that btw, I find it weird that someone found my words worthy enough to hit a follow!)

I posted about anxiety over new school year the other day and thought an update was overdue . If you want to peek into how chaotic and messy my life is, here you go. After stressing and being anxious about it for days and nights and that last night especially, I got to college at 10 to find out all my classes had finished (the last one was going to finish at 10:30). That’s what the timetable said! So I obviously didn’t go to my last class because it would be a waste, only to find out that that teacher ends the class at 11. The regret of missing the one hour I could have been in class, I’ll just let you imagine it. That was a Thursday. Friday was off (because of some event at school) and then came the weekend. So my first day of new school year actually starts tomorrow.

Also if you’re thinking why the heck would anyone start a new school year on a thursday for a day only followed by a long weekend, the new year started on wednesday, the 1st of Aug. But I wasn’t ready for that kind of torture, since I had been telling myself all summer that its just a rumour and they will actually delay the date. The thing is, the school year actually starts in September, but because our courses are supposed to be lenghty, our year was supposed to start classes from the 1st of Aug.

Anyways, enough of the dates. The funny thing is, I feel zero anxiousness right now. Maybe stepping inside the building and roaming the corridors for an hour alone was all it took for me to say good bye to the bubbling anxiety about new school year.

Eventhough, my stress levels are low, something has been bugging me. I’m expecting my exam result in three days, which I know I did bad in. The result doesn’t bother me. I have forgiven myself for letting it be that way, and have come up with a plan to remedy it. But if you have read my post about toxic parents, you’ll have figured out that I live with a toxic father. And he’s not only toxic, he’s bipolar, he’s abusive, he cares ALOT about our exam results (because he wants to boast infront of people) and he’s already beaten me when I was 12 for getting an 83% in grade 8. Sick shit.

I want to talk to him about it before the day, but he’s in THAT mood these days and I doubt i’ll get the opportunity. But I do not want the day to come and having him given no warnings about it. And it’s worrying me a little.

Maybe we’ll have to wait and see what happens. The only thing that motivates me is that time goes on. And that the day will come and go. Whatever his reaction might be will come and go. My plan will not change. I will be steadfast with my goals. However hard they might be. I will move even if I have to crawl. And there will come a time when these will only be memories I won’t have time and space for in my lives. Because I will be in a better place.

Enough of the ramblings, its 3 in the morning. I should get some sleep if I donot want to miss all my classes today as well. Remember me in your prayers.

Signing off

Chaotic Mess

 

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11 thoughts on “Random Rambling

  1. Hey! “And there will come a time when these will only be memories I won’t have time and space for in my lives. Because I will be in a better place.” I am glad that you have such great willpower and hope! 👍🏻

    “And he’s not only toxic, he’s bipolar, he’s abusive, he cares ALOT about our exam results (because he wants to boast infront of people) and he’s already beaten me when I was 12 for getting an 83% in grade 8. Sick shit.” I totally understand what you mean. I am also having my exams this week and I know how hard it is to study sometimes but all I want to say to you is that when you study, study for yourself! Study, because you know that you want to be successful in life.
    And… please talk your dad and try to tell him that abuse is not a good thing because it will never get you anywhere in life and it will also create a strong distance from a good relationship between your dad and you.

    Whatever you want to do in your life, be happy! Don’t do something that brings you down except studying because that is a necessary evil. Take care and have a great day! ❤️😸

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That mindset is so important. Study for yourself only. I know exactly what you mean and how important those words are. Eventhough the pressure from my family is bad, I never study thinking of them. Everytime I sit down to study, and everytime I have to motivate myself to study, I only think about me. How it will effect my future. My grades. My life.

      I wish talking could help. Toxic people need serious help, not talking from their children. Its obvious that being abusive isnt good. I’m pretty sure every person knows that. I think toxicity comes from not being able to control your emotions when you need to. I have opinions on this topic and may talk about it some day.
      Thankyou so much for taking the time to share your thoughts. Its good to know people care ❤️
      Good luck with your exam 👌

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am here for you. If you ever need anyone to talk to just message me alright because sometimes when you keep stuff to yourself it literally eats you up and I LITERALLY don’t even know you and there is no chance of us ever meeting each other or judging each other so don’t be afraid to speak up you mind because when you are ready, I am here to listen. 🙂

        “I have opinions on this topic and may talk about it some day.” I hope you do and I was wondering that I can’t call you ‘chaoticmess’ so what should I call you? For now, I think I can stick with friend.👭

        I hope you keep in touch and by the way, how old are you?

        Like

      2. Wow! Iris is a lovely name (it’s not like I like that name because I used to watch a cartoon when I was younger and the main girl’s name was Iris who was a very strong individual and very pretty..) I turned 15 on August 7th. What date is your birthday on?

        Like

      3. Unfortunately, I literally have no social media except my blog and the only way we can talk to each other is through comments but.. there is a way! We can become email buddies through my CONTACT ME page on my blog. Do you think that will work out?

        Like

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