Fat and misreable

I am sick of being sick of being tired of being fat. Ugh. I just binge ate 1000 calories. I may explode. I have an exam in one day. I probably have a trip abroad with my school fellows (including my crush) in two months. And I’m still fat.

And I feel horrible for saying this. For making this the top of my worries. Only yesterday I was reading some blogs of people who have been through extremely difficult times, and I feel like an ass complaining about my weight.

But I still am. I am full to my stomach. Last time I checked I was 175lbs. I am 5’2. I don’t have the courage to check how much I weigh now. I don’t think I can cause myself more pain a day before I have an important exam that i still have to revise for.

My heart is heavy. My best friend lost 10kgs and she looks amazing. I’m happy that she was able to do it, especially because she was having low self esteem because of a certain man and a woman, but thats another story. But I am in disgust of myself, thinking of how we could have been in the same boat at the same time and done it together, but no, my lazy ass couldnt. I didnt. I hate what I did.

I hate being this misreable. I hate this.

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How to move on after doing a bad exam?

This is one post I never thought I would need to write. But life is funny, and unexpected. So here I am, after doing a bad paper, writing, because writing is therapy and I really need some sort of therapy. These are ways that I dealt with after doing a bad exam.

1. Have a nap. Typical me. But honestly, naps fix the world. The bubbling anxiety, fear, the prospect of getting a bad grade, and so on. Take a nap, and deal with the rest when you wake up. (BTW i write this after being woken up from my nap)

 

2) Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. And exhale. It’s not the end of the world. If you are in a similar position like me and have a chance of balancing the grade with another coming exam, work with every fibre in your body. Don’t go to sleep until you know you have turnt things around. You need that grade. Dont let the setback discourage you. Go get it. And I’m going to come back here and update on th 17th of Oct if I have been able to turn things around.

If you are not in that position, and have no way to turn things around, or if this was your last chance, and you do not believe in miracles or God or prayers, read the first five words of the first paragraph again. You gotta inhale, and exhale. Inhale every bad prospect that you think is coming your way, and exhale, thinking about how much power you have to take life’s rocks, and still be able to carry on. Inhale, if you have let yourself down, exhale, because only you will bring yourself back up. Inhale, because life is going on, and exhale, because life is unexpected, and with life going on, there’s still a chance, love.

3. If you have the time, do something calming, or relaxing. Do not go to sleep upset. Do not go to sleep crying. Do not go to sleep complaining. Go to sleep with gratitude. It could have been worse. You know all the ways it could have been worse. Think, there is always a way to turn bad days into good ones, a bad experience into a learnful one. Think, where did you go wrong? Where could you have done better? What could have been done better? What could have been done differently. Make notes. Learn, not mourn. Be grateful, don’t complain. No mater how bad of a day you have had. And inhale. Exhale. The times will pass. Ten years from now, you have to look back at this day, and make sure it does not bring sadness to you. Let this day bring you learnful experiences, and pride ten years from now. Go. Do it. I know you can. And you will. Never, ever, even think of giving up. And you’ll see where it takes you.

My family.

Hello internet. I haven’t written in so long and I have excuses but I will not get into those right now. I’ve been feeling blue for a while now, and since writing is my therapy, and because I have this safe space on the internet, where I can write about anything, I thought why not.

I’m going to talk about my family today. If you have read my post ‘5 ways to live with a toxic family’, you may have figured out that I spoke from experience. The place I call home, and the people I call family, who I have been living now with for almost eighteen years, are toxic. These people have effected my mental health, and shaped my personality in ways I did not want it to. I fight myself every single day, to become the person I want to be, to be free of the impurities of the person their behaviour has tried to turn me into.

I have countless stories, events that have etched in my mind, dating to as far as when I was only five. And I know that the memories will haunt me forever. They will fight their way through and be a part of me till I die. And eventhough I have accepted that the memories will stay, I have decided to not let them wreak havoc inside my brain where they have been forced to stay hidden for so long.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I’m all alone, with no one to accompany me but the darkness of the night, and the darkness of my soul, I will let these memories win for once, let them come out and make me feel things I do not want to feel. I will let these memories take over me for the night. And when the morning light shines through my window, I will dry away the tears, and let the silence roll me into oblivion. When I wake up, I feel empty, but I like it in days following the nights that made me feel like I was going to succumb to the anxiety, fear, and the memories from my childhood.

Eventhough I have more of these memories from when I stepped into my teens, more horrifying than the childhood memories, my brain still holds onto the ones from when I was very little, maybe because no one deserves to feel like their childhood memories will be the end of them.

My beloved family,

A 5 year old child does not deserve to be beaten so bad her sobs echo through the house, and her little body fights for every breath, for reasons neither you nor her can remember. A 5 year old child does not deserve to be laid hands on because she was being noisy about her brother hitting her. A child does not deserve to be degraded and destroyed before life has the chance to. A child should not feel like the worse thing happened to her is her family. Little girl, does she even know what life will do to her in a few years?

A teen, soon turning into a young adult, should not cry herself to sleep because of the memories she has from more than 10 years ago. From a time where memories fade and the mind does not remember. The mind does not remember. So then why does it hold onto the pieces that destroy her?

A little girl does not deserve to feel what depression is before even knowing what it is.

You took the naiveness and innocence God gave her, and turned it into bitterness. Turned it into something she spent years fighting, and still does.

I hope that you will read this someday, and regret your decisions. Because if you have made me bitter, it comes out for you first.

Your destroyed daughter

 

The little girl is a warrior by the way, did you know? She will champion on as she turns eighteen next month. As the time for her to leave the house you haunted her in comes close. The girl has learnt to not only fight the demons in her siblings and father, but she is a pro in fighting her inner demons, and the demons life has thrown on her. The little girl has grown up too fast. She is stronger and smarter than you can ever imagine, and she will fight for a life where she doesn’t have to remember.

So my toxic family, you may have destroyed the naive, innocent and precious me, but I have acquired strenght, hope, and the power of being truthful to myself. You will watch me while I rise from the ashes you threw me in. And you will watch me end up in a place where I will not need you. And your selfish hands won’t be able to hurt me anymore. But till that time comes, you will see me get better at fighting this war. And I will show you.

You may have never heard of chaotic mess, but you created her.

 

CIE Results

‘Failure will not describe you. It will be an event in your life.’ My chemistry teacher’s voice ring in my ears as I try to calm this racing heart. I don’t know what to think. 14 hours remain till the results. I don’t know if I fear my disappointment more or my toxic father’s reaction to it.

I know I shouldnt be disappointed when it comes. I didnt work hard for it and you suouldn’t expect crops to grow without sowing seeds. But this heart that speeds up every now and then thinking about it.

‘It will not define me.’ I tell myself. I believe it too. I am more than that. I will rise back stronger after tomorrow’s setback. I will rise back so strong that it will stun my enemies. And people who will celebrate my downfall tomorrow will be speechless when I make a comback,

No matter what happens, i will get through it.

But the heart still beats madly.

Maybe I’ll do what I do best now and go to sleep. I’m slep deprived anyways.

If you are going through a similae feeling, know that no matter what happens, it will happen for good. Believe in where life tskes you. Give it your hest shot. If you have regrets, remedy them. Do NOT sit all alone harming yourself (both physically and mentally).

May the odds be ever in our favour. (Lol a HG fan)

Random Rambling

Hello wordpress, and especially my seven followers (lol). (Thankyou for that btw, I find it weird that someone found my words worthy enough to hit a follow!)

I posted about anxiety over new school year the other day and thought an update was overdue . If you want to peek into how chaotic and messy my life is, here you go. After stressing and being anxious about it for days and nights and that last night especially, I got to college at 10 to find out all my classes had finished (the last one was going to finish at 10:30). That’s what the timetable said! So I obviously didn’t go to my last class because it would be a waste, only to find out that that teacher ends the class at 11. The regret of missing the one hour I could have been in class, I’ll just let you imagine it. That was a Thursday. Friday was off (because of some event at school) and then came the weekend. So my first day of new school year actually starts tomorrow.

Also if you’re thinking why the heck would anyone start a new school year on a thursday for a day only followed by a long weekend, the new year started on wednesday, the 1st of Aug. But I wasn’t ready for that kind of torture, since I had been telling myself all summer that its just a rumour and they will actually delay the date. The thing is, the school year actually starts in September, but because our courses are supposed to be lenghty, our year was supposed to start classes from the 1st of Aug.

Anyways, enough of the dates. The funny thing is, I feel zero anxiousness right now. Maybe stepping inside the building and roaming the corridors for an hour alone was all it took for me to say good bye to the bubbling anxiety about new school year.

Eventhough, my stress levels are low, something has been bugging me. I’m expecting my exam result in three days, which I know I did bad in. The result doesn’t bother me. I have forgiven myself for letting it be that way, and have come up with a plan to remedy it. But if you have read my post about toxic parents, you’ll have figured out that I live with a toxic father. And he’s not only toxic, he’s bipolar, he’s abusive, he cares ALOT about our exam results (because he wants to boast infront of people) and he’s already beaten me when I was 12 for getting an 83% in grade 8. Sick shit.

I want to talk to him about it before the day, but he’s in THAT mood these days and I doubt i’ll get the opportunity. But I do not want the day to come and having him given no warnings about it. And it’s worrying me a little.

Maybe we’ll have to wait and see what happens. The only thing that motivates me is that time goes on. And that the day will come and go. Whatever his reaction might be will come and go. My plan will not change. I will be steadfast with my goals. However hard they might be. I will move even if I have to crawl. And there will come a time when these will only be memories I won’t have time and space for in my lives. Because I will be in a better place.

Enough of the ramblings, its 3 in the morning. I should get some sleep if I donot want to miss all my classes today as well. Remember me in your prayers.

Signing off

Chaotic Mess

 

I Need To Tell You

I'm Sick and So Are You

One day, lamenting the fact that my hands were in so much pain I could not finish coloring a page in my snazzy new adult coloring book, I was met with this unsolicited advice:

My hands hurt, too, but I just take my time and if it takes me a week to color a page then it takes me a week. Remember, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. 

Cool story, bro, but you’re going to have to take your candy coated zen master bullshit elsewhere because I’m telling you my hands hurt. I’m telling you that these hands used to wedge clay and spend hours at the pottery wheel without so much as a cramp or an ache. Now, there are days that I can’t open a pickle jar.

These hands used to garden and grate and chop and slice and type and write and color and do all…

View original post 789 more words

Feeling anxious about new school year

Today I start another school year, my last school year. I never thought in a milion years that I would enter a new school year full of anxiety. My last year didn’t go too well, I’m going to have to re-take my exams in November, while making sure I balance out time for this year. Last year not only did I discover that I am not the confident person I’d like to be, but developed more and more insecurities about myself. Developing insecurities when you’re trying to be confident doesn’t really help. So between last August and this one, I let my grades fall, insecurities grow, stressed so much more, binge ate (while trying to lose weight) so much more. I’m going to let it out here, that I failed myself BIG time. Oh and the three friends I had moved away one by one. So now not only do I have to go back to the place I’m dreading, but go back there ALONE. With more insecurities and anxieties than I’ve ever had. Add in the fact that I have to stress about my future. Cherry on top.

I’m trying so so hard to focus on the positive, which has become my motto for quiet some time now. Atleast this year can’t be worse than last one, because that was the worst. Or maybe the fact that eventhough I have failed big time, I have discovered my weaknesses and my aim for this school year will be to overcome those weaknesses. Maybe I can come back to this post in about an year and see how far I’ve come. I really hope that that happens. I can’t bear going more downhill.

I’ve decided that maybe writing down my goals will help calm me and will help stay sane. So my goals for the following year will be:-

1) Study hard. Work hard. Remember, good things don’t come free.

2) Talk to more people. Juniors, teachers, classfellows.

3) Lose 30 pounds by the end of the year.

4) Make excercise a habit.

5) Give yourself some time. Pamper your skin, hair.

6) Start your second blog page.

7) Focus on the positive.

Eventhough I am screaming internally, I will put on a smile, push my fears to a side, and march with the best stride I can manage, in hopes that things will get better, and this time will pass. Because hope conquers fear.