Hello internet. I haven’t written in so long and I have excuses but I will not get into those right now. I’ve been feeling blue for a while now, and since writing is my therapy, and because I have this safe space on the internet, where I can write about anything, I thought why not.
I’m going to talk about my family today. If you have read my post ‘5 ways to live with a toxic family’, you may have figured out that I spoke from experience. The place I call home, and the people I call family, who I have been living now with for almost eighteen years, are toxic. These people have effected my mental health, and shaped my personality in ways I did not want it to. I fight myself every single day, to become the person I want to be, to be free of the impurities of the person their behaviour has tried to turn me into.
I have countless stories, events that have etched in my mind, dating to as far as when I was only five. And I know that the memories will haunt me forever. They will fight their way through and be a part of me till I die. And eventhough I have accepted that the memories will stay, I have decided to not let them wreak havoc inside my brain where they have been forced to stay hidden for so long.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I’m all alone, with no one to accompany me but the darkness of the night, and the darkness of my soul, I will let these memories win for once, let them come out and make me feel things I do not want to feel. I will let these memories take over me for the night. And when the morning light shines through my window, I will dry away the tears, and let the silence roll me into oblivion. When I wake up, I feel empty, but I like it in days following the nights that made me feel like I was going to succumb to the anxiety, fear, and the memories from my childhood.
Eventhough I have more of these memories from when I stepped into my teens, more horrifying than the childhood memories, my brain still holds onto the ones from when I was very little, maybe because no one deserves to feel like their childhood memories will be the end of them.
My beloved family,
A 5 year old child does not deserve to be beaten so bad her sobs echo through the house, and her little body fights for every breath, for reasons neither you nor her can remember. A 5 year old child does not deserve to be laid hands on because she was being noisy about her brother hitting her. A child does not deserve to be degraded and destroyed before life has the chance to. A child should not feel like the worse thing happened to her is her family. Little girl, does she even know what life will do to her in a few years?
A teen, soon turning into a young adult, should not cry herself to sleep because of the memories she has from more than 10 years ago. From a time where memories fade and the mind does not remember. The mind does not remember. So then why does it hold onto the pieces that destroy her?
A little girl does not deserve to feel what depression is before even knowing what it is.
You took the naiveness and innocence God gave her, and turned it into bitterness. Turned it into something she spent years fighting, and still does.
I hope that you will read this someday, and regret your decisions. Because if you have made me bitter, it comes out for you first.
Your destroyed daughter
The little girl is a warrior by the way, did you know? She will champion on as she turns eighteen next month. As the time for her to leave the house you haunted her in comes close. The girl has learnt to not only fight the demons in her siblings and father, but she is a pro in fighting her inner demons, and the demons life has thrown on her. The little girl has grown up too fast. She is stronger and smarter than you can ever imagine, and she will fight for a life where she doesn’t have to remember.
So my toxic family, you may have destroyed the naive, innocent and precious me, but I have acquired strenght, hope, and the power of being truthful to myself. You will watch me while I rise from the ashes you threw me in. And you will watch me end up in a place where I will not need you. And your selfish hands won’t be able to hurt me anymore. But till that time comes, you will see me get better at fighting this war. And I will show you.
You may have never heard of chaotic mess, but you created her.