If you read my last post about dreading my 18th birthday, you’d know that I wasn’t looking forward to this day (or even if you didn’t, the title is self explanatory). Which is a shame, because the prospect of turning legal and being able to do all the adult things should be exciting. I remember being around 7 when my sister turned 18. And I remember thinking, gosh, she’s OLD! I used to think of her as a mature grown up who knows exactly what she’s doing. Now being 18 and being umsure about my future and my life, I know now that that wasn’t even true.
But I can’t sit and moan all day because I’m not going to have a wonderful birthday (reference to my last post). I am not going to complain all day long because I didn’t get to have as mega of a celebration as someone else did on the same day, or complain about my friends and family. I was over thinking a lot yesterday, having all these negative thoughts of people not going the extra mile for me while I would have. I don’t know if that’s true, I just like to think that I’m the better friend who does more for friends than they do for me.
You see, it’s how the world has evolved. I have more social media accounts than I need, that make me complain more about my life than I need to. It’s so sad that I would complain about the fact that I didn’t enjoy as much as the next person would on their birthday, but not be grateful for the blessed and privileged life I live.
So I thought ‘enough of the negativity’, and hopped on here to talk about something I’ve been thinking a lot recently. My 17th year was one of my most lowest point of my life. My social anxiety was at it’s worst, my grades dropped, I was slipping into depression, constantly complaining, wasting a lot of time, binge eating and hit my highest weight ever. I started hating my dad more than ever, and his tantrums and abusive behavior was the reason I’d cry myself to sleep some nights. I swear it was a lot worse than it sounds in a few words. I thought there was no out of this mess.
I’m not going to say that I’m completely past those things now. But what’s different now is my approach to all of this. I still have social anxiety, but I’m doing things now I would never last year, to break out of it. I’m working hard for my grades this time around. My complaining has reduced from a 100% last year to a 20% this year. I am working towards utilizing my time smartly, and being productive. I have been trying to eat clean for over a month now, and I know in my heart that this time I’m not going to stop. I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way. The biggest thing that has changed from last year is my mind set. I have the kind of positive thoughts I would NEVER have last year.
I am positive today more than ever, about my dreams, about my life, about my past, about everything basically. And I cannot even emphasize this in words, how much a sense of freedom this has developed in me. It’s like I was a caged bird that has now been set free. And I know that I would never be here with the knowledge of everything I have now, had it not been for the most down year of my life.
I have learnt to let go of toxic people. I have learnt to love myself. I have learnt to forgive myself. I have learnt to forgive loved ones for the flaws they have. I have learnt how complex humans are and I have learnt to accept myself and people for how they are. I have a new desire and passion to fulfill my dreams that had dirt thrown over on it, which I have to admit made me give up on them for sometime. And the best of all, I created this blog as a representation of me. I called this ‘chaotic mess’ which is how I felt at the time I made this blog. I have discovered a whole new world for myself. I have discovered a safe space for myself where I can talk about anything and connect with some amazing people.
I might have a dull birthday, but I’ll have the brightest year of my life. Here’s to an year of learning some more, growing some more, and enjoying a lot more. Here’s to an year I enter with the most positive mind set I ever had. And here’s to the day, where I won’t let petty things get me down!
This comes in perfect timings with the year coming to an end too. I would love to know how you have changed this year. What new things have you learned and how have those shaped you? And most of all, your plans for the next year.