I don’t like being pessimist. I really hate admitting I let myself down and I dread the feeling of guilt that comes along with it. Here’s an overview of how the first month of the new year went for me.
Pethatic exam results
Only eleven days into the new year, I got my exam results and damn, they were horrible. After two days of mourning, Nuts and I made a timetable for ourselves to follow through till our next exams and I swore I would commit to them, which brings me to another highlight of the month.
Failing to keep up with my study tasks
This one brings me down like nothing else. I made a very doable time table. But majority of my days goes into babysitting the new arrival in our family (who I LOVE to bits). My sister has an exam very very soon so I am happy to help her out by babysistting, but this means I am constantly sleep deprived, energy deprived, and now motivation deprived and VERY behind on my study tasks. This is so unbelievably horrifying to me because this is the most important year of my life, and these exams are the most inportant exams of my life. Last time I heard her exam was on 7th Feb, after which I wouldn’t have to spend as mich time babysitting, but now I heard its been delayed a little and now I am on a verge of panic attack.
Failing to keep up my health goals
I have gone into big details about my weight before so I’m not gonna do that here, but this is another bummer enough to keep me down.
Failing to take care of my hair
I have wanted long hair ever since I was a kid, but my hair was never taken good care of, and is not in a good state. I really really want healthy long hair but thats just a far fetched dream from the looks of it. I wanna shave my head and start over, but I’ll have to hide my head for atleast two years until some hair can grow back and i can pretend it never went away. But how the hell will I manage to hide it?
Have gotten sick twice in the space of 20 days
Really sucks having a runny nose and headache
Went through a tiny phase of jealousy towards my best friend and hate myself for it
It was very silly, but silly things do bother me and I hate that I can’t be a completely loyal friend. I also hate that her mother lied to me about not being able to celebrate because her mother in law was sick, because she thought that would convince me to travel cities alone for her daughter’s extravagant birthday. I wouldn’t be so mad if they tried to go to the same lenghts for my birthday.
Eventhough I was jealous, I had an amazing time with her and I hate that I feel so conflicted.
Found new evidences of my siblings being actual pieces of shit
Not gonna go in detail but hate those bullies
Embarrassed myself infront of my crush’s friend
Because he knows I have a crush on his friend, he’ll for sure tell him what happened. And even though its not that embarrassing, I am an easily embarrassed person and this new thing is eating me.
My mood has been bad
I’m going to break down very soon and maybe then I’ll feel better, but till then I’m going to continue being teary, irritable, sad, upset, jealous, guilty and everything in between.
Now maybe I shouldn’t be all whiny, and talk about some good stuff too.
Got to meet my bestie after so long
Let’s ignore the negitivity involved from my side here for some time
Getting the chance to be closer to my eldest sister (the nice sibling, apart from the two I hate)
She got married and moved out when I was sixteen and we never had a close bond. I was more of a baby to her since she’s eleven years older. This is the first time she has come to stay for such a long time after marriage (two years ago) and I love that we are more open to each other. She lives veryy far away so that’s a bummer. Feels like I can find the negative in anything lol.
I think that’s enough rant especially now that I feel very sleepy.
Please leave a comment if you have any suggestions, or are dealing with similar situations.