25 questions to ask yourself before the end of this year (part 1)

Six days till 2017 ends. This year has been oh so weird. I wanted to say adventerous, but that would be an extreme overstatement. But God, my emotions have never been as chaotic as they have been this year, hence the birth of this blog. Although I have been really lazy in keeping this up, and have regretted at times to not have captured my feelings in certain moments, something that comforts me and offers me therapy.

In order to really have a fresh start in 2018, I wanted to revisit this year, and ask myself some questions that would help me figure out somewhat how this year has been, and how can I move into 2018. So I searched on google, and found a really brilliant post by mindbodygreen that gave me 25 questions to think on (Link at the end of the post). I am going to try my best to answer those questions.

1. What am I most proud of this year?

I think the fact that I tried to come out of my comfort zone alot more and developed confidence I didn’t know I had lost growing up. I took part in debating events and didn’t go hard on myself because my progress was so slow compared to other debaters.

I was a confident kid, but somewhere between years of being let down at events, and people putting me down, I lost all the confidence, and become socially anxious. I was beyond sad about being the shy kid, mostly because I didn’t think I was one, until life gave me reality check. So it makes me happy and proud that I was able to make progress in this area.

2. How can I become a better person?

I know I need to understand more that not everyone is at the same mental level as me, and all minds run differently. Therefore I need to stop getting mad at people, and learn to be kind at all times. Be kind to people, even when others aren’t.  I also need to focus on being less irritable.

3. Where am I feeling stuck? 

My weight. One thing or another always manages to put a halt and I lose hope. Around two months ago I reached my lowest point of feeling bad about my weight, and I have been trying after that with a positive attitude. But the progress isn’t much. Exams, school, death of grandmother, and the arrival of my baby niece (who i love dearly and want to hug every second of the day) have sidetracked me.

Guess what will be in my New Year’s resolution?

4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?

Hmm. I don’t think I have any specific area where I need to allow myself grace. If anything, I feel like I should be harder at myself more often so I can get shit done.

5. Am I passionate about my career?

I want to say yes, because I think and daydream about it all the time. But I don’t think that that should qualify for it to be called my passion. I am still a student, and working for my career,  but procrastination is a BIG part of me and if there is one thing I know for sure that I’m getting rid of in the new year, its this.


I’m loving answering these. These kind of questions get your mind thinking and give you a good picture of your year. If you want to read the next twenty questions and my answers to them, make sure to follow so you don’t miss my posts in the next four days. Do you have answers of your own? Please do share your answers with me down below because I’d love to know ❤️

Read part 2 here

Read part 3 here

Read part 4 here

The original post with all twentyfive questions can be found here.

Wishing a very merry christmas to all those celebrating. Hope you all had a lovely day!

Signing off,

Chaotic Mess



It’s a girl!

I cried when I saw the first ever picture my brother in law sent us. The fact that this tiny precious little adorable human being is my niece and I get to be an Auntie was unbelievably sweet. They flew back home 2 days ago. They could not make it to the funeral, but grandma got to see her picture a few hours before she left us. She smiled and prayed for them and us all.

We told my sister this and it made her really happy that she got to see the picture. A bittersweet moment.

We are really happy to have this new miracle in our life, and are praying everything goes well. For now, I can’t wait to see this doll grow up 💕


She’s no more.

I have never regretted not writing how I felt in certain moments this bad before. I told myself I’d do it later. I had already envisioned what that blog post would look like. It would have capslock on as I told my blog and followers the greatest news I probably ever heard. I cried myself to sleep, tears of joy. Little did I know that two days later I wouldn’t feel the same way. Little did I know that two days later I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all.

To be honest, I had this weird feeling. I knew it was gonna happen this time. My grandmother has been in poor health for as far as I can remember. I’ve seen her being admitted in hospitals many times in my life. I just knew that this time that she wasn’t going to come back. Maybe thats why I offered to stay her last night at the hospital with her.

There is anger, at one of my father’s cousins who got to be there when she took her last breaths, and I didn’t. Obviously its not her fault that I wasn’t there and she was, but I can’t help but feel bitter towards her.

And then, there is grief. The empty room. The memories. The pictures. The videos. All just painful memories now. Her bed. Her red basket. Her tea mug.

There is regret. Thoughts like ‘I wish I’d have spent more time with her’, or ‘I wish I didn’t get angry at her when she woke me up at 3 am for breakfast and didn’t even eat it because she wasn’t actually hungry’ keep me up at night. I should have gone back after I had some sleep. I woke up at 6pm and stayed in bed on my phone for two hours. The news came around 8:30. I used to think I was a nice person, but some memories haunt me. I used to say regret is the worst feeling in the world. Did I even know regret before this? What kind of regret did I refer to back then? I will never know.

Then there is that even though I was with her the entire night, she wasn’t talking at all, even when she was awake. My Aunt and I gave her breakfast, and even during that she was drowsy and not in complete senses. Word has it, she talked for a bit with my aunts during the day. So she was doing better. So the last time I talked to her was about two and a half weeks ago. And when I was leaving, she told me to visit her again. I didn’t until she was at the hospital, in the state where she probably didn’t even realise I was there.

God, I don’t know. How long will these feelings last? Will they even go? I don’t know. All I know is that my grandmother is dead. The person who told me beautiful stories is dead. Someone who genuinely loved me is dead. And I wish I had done a better job while she was alive.

P.s 2 days before she passed away I had an exciting news to tell. I will still share that news. But out of respect for my grandmother, I will hold it in a little longer. Even though she would have been just as excited as me right now, and she was when we told her on her last day here, it doesn’t feel right to me.

Be respectful and nice to your parents and grandparents. Even if they aren’t nice to each other, even if they favour your siblings/cousins over you, and even if they say mean things and annoy the crap out of you. Even if you have only one nice memory with them, give them love and respect before its too late.

Much love,
Chaotic mess



Going over my 17th year of life…

If you read my last post about dreading my 18th birthday, you’d know that I wasn’t looking forward to this day (or even if you didn’t, the title is self explanatory). Which is a shame, because the prospect of turning legal and being able to do all the adult  things should be exciting. I remember being around 7 when my sister turned 18. And I remember thinking, gosh, she’s OLD! I used to think of her as a mature grown up who knows exactly what she’s doing. Now being 18 and being umsure about my future and my life, I know now that that wasn’t even true.

But I can’t sit and moan all day because I’m not going to have a wonderful birthday (reference to my last post). I am not going to complain all day long because I didn’t get to have as mega of a celebration as someone else did on the same day, or complain about my friends and family. I was over thinking a lot yesterday, having all these negative thoughts of people not going the extra mile for me while I would have. I don’t know if that’s true, I just like to think that I’m the better friend who does more for friends than they do for me.

You see, it’s how the world has evolved. I have more social media accounts than I need, that make me complain more about my life than I need to. It’s so sad that I would complain about the fact that I didn’t enjoy as much as the next person would on their birthday, but not be grateful for the blessed and privileged life I live.

So I thought ‘enough of the negativity’, and hopped on here to talk about something I’ve been thinking a lot recently. My 17th year was one of my most lowest point of my life. My social anxiety was at it’s worst, my grades dropped, I was slipping into depression, constantly complaining, wasting a lot of time, binge eating and hit my highest weight ever. I started hating my dad more than ever, and his tantrums and abusive behavior was the reason I’d cry myself to sleep some nights. I swear it was a lot worse than it sounds in a few words. I thought there was no out of this mess.

I’m not going to say that I’m completely past those things now. But what’s different now is my approach to all of this. I still have social anxiety, but I’m doing things now I would never last year, to break out of it. I’m working hard for my grades this time around. My complaining has reduced from a 100% last year to a 20% this year. I am working towards utilizing my time smartly, and being productive. I have been trying to eat clean for over a month now, and I know in my heart that this time I’m not going to stop. I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way. The biggest thing that has changed from last year is my mind set. I have the kind of positive thoughts I would NEVER have last year.

I am positive today more than ever, about my dreams, about my life, about my past, about everything basically. And I cannot even emphasize this in words, how much a sense of freedom this has developed in me. It’s like I was a caged bird that has now been set free. And I know that I would never be here with the knowledge of everything I have now, had it not been for the most down year of my life.

I have learnt to let go of toxic people. I have learnt to love myself. I have learnt to forgive myself. I have learnt to forgive loved ones for the flaws they have. I have learnt how complex humans are and I have learnt to accept myself and people for how they are. I have a new desire and passion to fulfill my dreams that had dirt thrown over on it, which I have to admit made me give up on them for sometime. And the best of all, I created this blog as a representation of me. I called this ‘chaotic mess’ which is how I felt at the time I made this blog. I have discovered a whole new world for myself. I have discovered a safe space for myself where I can talk about anything and connect with some amazing people.

I might have a dull birthday, but I’ll have the brightest year of my life. Here’s to an year of learning some more, growing some more, and enjoying a lot more. Here’s to an year I enter with the most positive mind set I ever had. And here’s to the day, where I won’t let petty things get me down!

This comes in perfect timings with the year coming to an end too. I would love to know how you have changed this year. What new things have you learned and how have those shaped you? And most of all, your plans for the next year.



Dreading my 18th birthday

Warning: Isound very bloody immature in this post, so if you are not ready for the cringe or whining of a soon to be 18 year old, please leave! Come back some other time because I’m a little more mature at other times.


Hello WordPress family! I haven’t written in so long. How have you all been? (I’m genuinely interested in knowing that, not just asking for the heck of it lol). My exams FINALLY finished last Thursday and I’ve just been kind of relaxing. I’ve been meaning to write for days but the end of exams usually comes with procrastinating things so you can sleep more (at least for me!)

Anyhow, I’m back and thats that. I have lots of things I want to talk about. I have a whole list in my notes of topics. But I’m not starting with the list in my notes yet, because today, I can only talk about 23rd November, my birthday.

Growing up, I loved my birthdays. Who doesn’t? I would count down months till my birthday and the thought of it drawing close gave me adrenaline rush. I’m not sure why that was so. Growing up, I only remember celebrating my 8th birthday. I don’t know what was special that time around. Why my parents decided that having a party wouldn’t be too stressful that one time. I really enjoyed that day. I had friends over and we played a lot of games. I ended up breaking my arm and having to deal with the fractured bone for a month, but all in all, it was a good day.

Usually I would inform my parents a day before my birthday (because my parents don’t remember unnecessary details like that). One time it was my 6th or 7th birthday, I was coming home from school with my dad and I mentioned it to him. He told me to invite my cousins over and that he’d order cake. I was ecstatic. My brother was excited too. When we got home and I broke the news to my mother, she got mad and told us to not bother her with extra burden and that she was already busy. Now she may seem like an asshole, but she’s not. She had her reasons, one being that my bipolar father always has some sort of tantrums when there is work load, and he doesn’t help at home at all. So it was all down to her, to not only make arrangements but also listen to dramas and the asshole of a husband. So its not her fault, Its just that I wish she would have said it in a way that didn’t hurt me the way it did. More than 10 years later, the thought still hurts me.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents aren’t horrible people, my dad is an asshole 80% of the time, but my mom, she’s an angel. She has a lot of parenting faults that bother me, but I love her to bits. She has had a tough life, and does her best. Those faults exist because she doesn’t know any better. And I have decided to forgive her for all the right things she does. I know I would be lost without her, and I pray to God that I don’t have to lose her as long as I live. I don’t think I will be able to bear losing her, and it would surely be the end of me.

Now talking about my birthdays, I have never had THE birthday. When I see my class mates celebrating their birthdays in style, it sends pangs of jealousy in my body. When i got older, I started celebrating my birthdays with my friends rather than counting on my family. On my 15th birthday, I went out with my friends for my birthday lunch, and it was an okay day. A few gifts. Good enough for me. On my 16th, I invited friends to my house and did the arrangements myself. I ordered pizza for food, ordered cake myself, bought candles myself and blew them out with my three friends in my small room. My 17th birthday was the worst one I ever had, and I will talk about that day in another post some other time. Two months later, my best friend had the best birthday she ever had (her mom did an amazing job, I will talk about that too when I talk about my 17th birthday). So as much as I was happy for her, I just wished my birthday had come even a little close to what she had.

Needless to say, at this point, I have zero excitement for my birthday. Not only do I share my birthday with two more people at school who will for sure have some sort of celebration at school, but the fact that people know I share birthdays with them will be a little humiliating. Because this year, none of my friends go to the same school as me. And I may sound so bloody immature, but I don’t want my crush to think I’m this lonely girl who has bloody boring birthdays compared to people who share the same birthday. As foolish as this sounds, I’m dreading my 18th birthday, and there’s nothing I can do to skip that day of the year.


One Lovely Blogger Award

I didn’t think I’d be writing another blog post so soon, but then a notification popped up that I had been nominated for the One Lovely Blogger Award.

First of all, let me take this moment to tell you that I had a little bit of a fangirl moment when I saw that had nominated me for this award. Her blog is one of my absolute favourites. It’s the perfect way to declutter the mess in your mind. Her posts are so inspiring and motivational, definitely worth a read! Thankyou so much for the tag!

7 things about me

1) I like doing maths!

2) I LOVE travelling. I have been to 9 different countries with my family. I would love to travel with my friends and my bucket list includes visiting every single country in this world.

3) Chocolate is my weakness. When I was younger I wished our world would turn into a chocolate world where everything was made out of chocolate. Some of my faves include Dairy Milk, Galaxy, KitKat, Toblerone, Twix, Daim and Feraro Rochers.

4) People used to compliment me on how kind I was. It has changed into people complaining about how iritable and rude I have become 😂

5) I am very into politics, and would like to talk about it on my blog in the future.

6) I am a huge Potterhead!

7) I love readingI’m going to start doing book reviews soon on my blog!

I would like to nominate:

The Rules:

Thank the person who nominated you and link their blog
Add the One Lovely Blog Award to your post
Share 7 things about yourself
Pass this on to as many people as you like (max 15)
Include this set of rules
Inform your nominees

PS I’m sorry if I wasnt able to tag you all successfully. I’m new to this and couldnt figure out how to do it so gave it my best shot!


Weight loss milestone rewards

I may look a little obsessed with my weight now, with this being the third post in a row about it. Trust me, I’m not. I know life is alot more than my physical appearance. I have alot in life that I give importance to. Some of the things I have talked about already, others that I will talk about in the future.

Over the last few years, I have tried, and failed, tried and yet again, failed to get rid of the extra weight I have. And today I am at a weight that could have been avoided had I not failed all the previous times. Anyhow, I’m not writing this post so I can vent about my failures or regret what has been done. I have made a list of milestone rewards that I will award myself once I reach certain goals. I hope that posting it here will not only serve as a motivation for me (and may as well motivate someone else to do the same), but keep me accountable as well.

10 pounds milestone: GET A NEW BOOK! 

My plan for weight-loss is to lose 1 pound per week, although I really hope that it comes off faster than that. This means that I should reach this goal by the end of December. Which if I do, imma treat myself to a new book! I am a bookworm, incase you didn’t know and have been DYING to get my hands on some new books. But I had to restrain myself because of my exams. Although exams finish in mid November, and I had promised myself to go to the bookstore right after, I think setting it up as a reward for my first milestone is a better idea. This will probably motivate me to get some excercise done and get rid of those pounds faster. Fingers crossed. Can’t wait!

15 pounds milestone: Get a new branded pair of glasses! 

Now I had to start wearing glasses about an year ago for my eyesight, and I was sooo unsure about it. I went to exactly one shop to choose a frame and bought one after trying  hundreds of pairs. The one I got were better than the rest, but I wasn’t completely happy with them. I told myself I’d go shopping for some good ones the coming weekend. Fast forward to an year later, the weekend never came. Although I have to admit, it was because of how much I grew to like these ones. Still, I had to go for another eye checkup six months later, that I never did. So I plan to do that once I’m done with these bloody exams, and get a new pair as a reward for reaching the 15 pound milestone!

20 pounds milestone: GO CLOTHES SHOPPING!

Okay, I have to admit. I am excited the most for this one. Call me shallow, but every time I have been upset beacuse of my weight, its because I don’t look nice in clothes. Although I have been fat my entire life, going clothes shopping was exciting when I was younger. Now, I complain all the time that I don’t have clothes, but avoid going shopping at the same time. Because I HATE the disappointment of something nice not fitting, or not looking nice because of the extra fat I carry. I’ve heard that you start seeing changes yourself after a 20 pound loss. So not only will I fit clothes better by the time I have lost 20 pounds, but it will be a fantastic way to say ‘well done!’ to myself. Really looking forward to this one.

Although 20 pounds is only 25% of the total weight I want to lose, these are the only milestones I will talk about for now. Making plans for what I will do after losing 20 lbs seems overwhelming, let alone for the entire journey. I can always write a part 2 of this post once I have reached the 25% mark.

It’s only the third day on this new journey and I have a LONG way to go. Reaching only 25% of the goal will take me around five months. I really really hope that this is it this time. And that this is the journey that will lead me to my goals. I don’t think I can stand another failure. It will probably be the end of me. This trial and error proces has exhausted me, and I cannot fail again.