How to overcome social anxiety?

Have you ever been envious of your fellows being all confident and able to do and say whatever they wanted? I know I have. Growing up I had always been the confident kid, but it faded over the years as I entered into my teens. The social pressure to fit in coupled with my family constantly putting me down shattered every shed of confidence I had. And I hated it. I knew that this wasn’t how I was going to spend my life. I wasn’t going to let silly voices inside my head take away important opportunities from me. I had already missed more opportunities than I could keep count by the time I realised it had to change, but like they say, ‘its never too late’.

Since the time I started challenging and pushing myself, I have improved immensely. My confidence level has shot up and I can do and say things I could have no imagined a few years ago. I am not where I want to be yet, but atleast I’m not where I started. Here are some ways that I would recommend you try to gain confidence.

1.  Challenge yourself. Start doing things that scare you out of your wits. When your heart says no, tell your heart to shutup, grit your teeth and do it. Sign up for school activities. Say yes to parties and meet ups. Say hello to your crush. Constantly remind yourself that this is not how you want to spend the rest of your life and things need to change.

2. Start slow. Thinking about everything you can’t do and should start doing will overwhelm you and you might not want to do it at all. Start easy. Take slow steps. Volunteer answers in class. Smile at strangers. Set targets for yourself if that makes it easier for you. Write them down. For example one of my earliest target was to speak atleast thrice in the debating session I had volunteered for.

3. Stop being embarrassed. It is very important to understand that embarrassments are nothing but your mind telling you you’re stupid, or you shouldn’t have done that. It is absolutely alright if you shout out a wrong answer. It is alright if you get caught up in your words. You are human. You are going to have human traits. You are going to make mistakes. And trust me when I say, everyone around you does the same mistakes as you. It’s just that not everybody overthinks about them. If you feel embarrassed by something you did, ask yourself: ‘Is it going to matter in ten years that I slipped in the hallway? Will this perosn even remember me in ten years? Will I even remember him?’. Most of the times, the answer to these questions is a no. Smile, joke about it with your friends, and push it to a corner of your mind. It does NOT matter. Take a deep breath. Move on.

4. Do not let negitivity around you effect you. I know from personal experience how people who try to put you down can effect you. How words can play with your mind. But those words and negitivity will not get to you if you in your mind know that you are so much better than the words of people who do not matter. Do not let them win. Do not assume your worth from words of people who want to see you fail.

5. Count your improvements. Don’t think about how much is left to do. Think about what you did today that you couldn’t yesterday. Note them down. When you come back to read them after more improvements, you’ll notice how things that were once an accomplishment are now somehing that you do wihout a second thought. And that will be the greatest feeling in the world.

Advertisements

5 ways to live with a toxic parent

Having a toxic parent is soul crushing. Having toxic parents is soul destroying. Being an underage child with one or two toxic parent/s is soul burying. Because there’s not much you can do. Especially if you live in a place where child services are non existent. So what can you do in these circumstances? You can’t leave. You don’t want to stay. You dread every passing moment because every second gone makes you closer to seeing your parent/s. Who would either show up and be like the parent you day dream about. Or they would show up and be like the parent you have nightmares about.
So you go online to see if there are some good advices. From my experiences, my visits to Uncle Google haven’t been very great. Most of the advices that you see are about calling for child services (which don’t exist where I live), or they tell you to sit and talk to your parent (which is laughable), and on it goes.
Because every family is different. Every toxic parent will not show the exact same symptoms. And every child will not have the same solutions (if there are any). I’m not here to tell you how to deal with toxicity, I’m here to tell you how to live with it.
1) Find your aesthetic. Find something you enjoy doing. Find something you’re passionate about. And concentrate on it. Heal your pain through your passions. Do you want an example? I had to face my toxic father an hour ago. And after I had wiped my tears dry, I picked up my phone and logged into my blog, to write. Because writing eases my pain. And trust me when I say, your pain slides away. The slide may be slow, dull and rocky, but there is one. And it’s worth it. If your aesthetic is music, sketching, drawing, writing, creating, even bathing, GO FOR IT.
2) Make a plan. Surely you have plans of escaping one day, if not now. Look into your plan. If it’s going to college, look for universities, look into your programmes, research your options. If you’re planning to move cities or countries, research. Not only will you end up with a good plan, but looking for escape routes will calm your mind and satisfy your heart. You will get yourself out of this environment, in the right way.
3) Start doing things that will eventually help you in your escape. If thats studying hard for college, get your books and get to it. If thats earning money, get to your job, look for better jobs. Again, the satisfaction is worth it.
4) Focus on the positive. If you read my last post, you will know how I try to do this. Divert your mind to the positivity around you. And if you’re already thinking, ‘there is no positivity around me’, you are trained to be so negative that your mind refuses to even acknowledge the tiniest of positivities. Think. Look around you. You will find positivity and things to be grateful for. Things other people could only dream of having. You want an example? The internet.
5) Let it out. Do NOT bottle thoughts inside you. It will only create destruction. Talk. Let it out. Talk to a counsellor. If you don’t have one, talk to a friend. If you don’t have one, talk to a close family member. If you don’t have that, login to free apps to find support (7 cups for example). If you can’t even do that, reach out to me and I will get back to you.
I know it’s hard. You only have to remember that it will pass. Good times will come. Just make sure you’re there to see them.

Signing off

Chaotic mess xx

 

Toxic parent & learning positivity

My earliest memory of seeing my father in one of his rages was when I was about five. It was a festive day in our country. I had woken up earlier than usual from the commotion in the house. To say that he had made a scene would be an understatement. The memory of that day is blurred. I remember screams and loud pleading, and shouting. I started weeping at the misery my house echoed. I can’t remember how the rest of the day went. Whether we celebrated that day or not. Whether I dressed up in new clothes and was told I look like a princess or I spent it crying relentlessly with my mother. I don’t think I want to remember it anyways. Maybe thats why I never asked my mom for the details of what happened. And there isn’t a need to. He has recreated the rages for me time and again. Some of those that will be etched in my mind for as long as I live. Maybe even longer. I’m not very sure the memories will stop haunting me when I die.
But today is not the day for me to be gloomy. This day is about me being positive. Because I learnt something today, that I want to share with anyone who might end up on this post. While I cried about my father being toxic on the phone to my best friend, she was the one who said what I needed the most. “Focus on the positive.”

Now I know that sounds not only old and mainstream, but overused. Because its not until you catch yourself being negative that you realise how much you really need that saying.

You see, life is all about hurdles and overcoming them. Problems won’t stop. Your toxic parent won’t stop being toxic. You cannot run away from your problems. They follow you. And you have no control over that.

What you CAN do is focus on the positive. I know its not easy. Its really hard to stop thinking about things that bring you grief, anger and self pity. Its not a change you can bring in two minutes by saying ‘focus on the positive’. It is a progress. Like weight loss. Like mental health. Like your road to success.
Two things happened to me today. My presentation at my internship went great after I worked hard on it (even though I had to face a setback), and secondly, my father acted like an asshole, which hurt me so bad I may be crying tears of blood.

So to anyone out there thinking she has no idea what she’s talking about. Trust me. I do. And you’re not alone. Just like I know I’m not alone.

So naturally, my first instinct was to call my best friend and cry to her. I sobbed and told her how tired I was. And she consoled me for an hour. I can’t recall anything she said, except for what she made me realise. I had completely undermined how well I succeeded at something I worked hard for and wished it would go well. I let this fact slide by my mind so easily as I sat there ruining my face as black mascara rolled down my cheek. I didn’t think it was of joy anymore, even though a day earlier I would day dream of it.

And I know not everyone has good happening in their life alongside bad. But even though my heart was sad, I went out and danced in the rain, and told my problems how strong I am. (BTW rain in my country is a sight of joy, since it hardly rains here). And I came back feeling strong as rock.

Here’s the trick. You have to convince yor heart and your heart will convince you. And you will love it.

So if you feel down right now, go do something that relaxes you. And while you’re on that, mock your problems for breaking you. Because you will break. And you will build. And you will rise out stronger. Just like me.

“Throw me to the wolves and I’ll return leading the pack”

“Focus on the positive”

Warm hugs and all my love to you xx
Signing off
Chaotic mess

These days will pass

Hello internet and by any chance some real people who read this. When I made this blog, I thought I’d write about my interests, my good and bad days, teach things I’m good at and possibly motivate readers. So far, this blog has been nothing but a chaotic mess (ironic). But life is having it in for me these days, which is a real downer. But I’ve come to realize that I can’t just sit through it and wait for better days to start writing properly. So I may as well blog these days, in hopes that I might find some inspiration and support (too much to expect when you have hardly any readers, but oh well), and writing makes me feel better, so why not?
My problems may not seem big. They probably aren’t. I know they aren’t. But for the time being, they are taking a toll on every minute of my day. The worst part of being in a sticky situation is the realization that it’s all your fault. The knowledge of being guilty for being in a bad place in life is probably the worst feeling. Regret doesn’t have a bad name for no reason. Neither does wasted time. Unfortunately, I have both: regret and wasted time that I will never get back. The sorrow this brings seems to drown me.
They say never be afraid of your dreams. They say work for your dreams. You see, like every human being in this world, I have some dreams. And like every useless human being in this world, I am failing to work for them. My only excuse is that this last year has  been a blur for me. I sit here regretting the time I didn’t even know flew by.  It went by so fast, and I was too slow to notice that. It’s hard not to hate yourself for what you put yourself through. It’s hard to make it through when you have negative thoughts, regret, fear of letting others down running fast in your head. It’s hard to hold yourself accountable and know that there is nothing you can do to bring back time. It’s hard. Really. Hard.
As much as I might seem like I’ve given up hope, let me tell you that that’s not who I am. I may waste time, I may make stupid decisions, I may regret them, I may cry myself to sleep alone in my bedroom because of the regret, but I will never give anything the power to convince me that it is the end of the world. Because it’s not.
I don’t know whether I’m trying to be gloomy or motivational, but it’s just how i feel. Lost, sad, but with the strong belief of being able to turn the tables.
Let me know if you relate to the feelings I feel, and if you have any advice, I’m all ears.
Till then,
Signing off
Chaotic mess

Trapped

Do you ever just feel so trapped inside your own body? Like every particle inside of you is struggling to come out. You want to escape. You want to get as far away as possible from everything. Far away from your home. From your family. From your relations. From your commitments. Nothing makes sense.

It’s like everything in your life doesn’t matter. But at the same time everything does matter. It consumes you. It makes your heart so heavy you feel like you are carrying a huge stone in your chest rather than a blood pumping organ. Your heart rushes like its life depends on it. And you are overcome with a feeling so huge and heavy that it threatens to bury you. The heart beats so fast, yet you have trouble breathing.

Because nothing in life is right.

And the feeling keeps coming back…

I am here today and giving this blog a go for several reasons. Firstly, I want to be able to say out loud whatever I want to, and know that there are people out there (hopefully) that will listen to me and probably relate. Secondly I want to be able to make new friends and expose myself to a world that exists outside of my little environment. Thirdly, I want to feel better at times when my depression gets the better of me.

Will you follow alog with me in unraveling the chaotic mess my mind is.

I would love to connect with you reading this right now. If you’d like that too, comment down below and I will get back to you 🙂

Till then

Signing off

Chaotic Mess