My family.

Hello internet. I haven’t written in so long and I have excuses but I will not get into those right now. I’ve been feeling blue for a while now, and since writing is my therapy, and because I have this safe space on the internet, where I can write about anything, I thought why not.

I’m going to talk about my family today. If you have read my post ‘5 ways to live with a toxic family’, you may have figured out that I spoke from experience. The place I call home, and the people I call family, who I have been living now with for almost eighteen years, are toxic. These people have effected my mental health, and shaped my personality in ways I did not want it to. I fight myself every single day, to become the person I want to be, to be free of the impurities of the person their behaviour has tried to turn me into.

I have countless stories, events that have etched in my mind, dating to as far as when I was only five. And I know that the memories will haunt me forever. They will fight their way through and be a part of me till I die. And eventhough I have accepted that the memories will stay, I have decided to not let them wreak havoc inside my brain where they have been forced to stay hidden for so long.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I’m all alone, with no one to accompany me but the darkness of the night, and the darkness of my soul, I will let these memories win for once, let them come out and make me feel things I do not want to feel. I will let these memories take over me for the night. And when the morning light shines through my window, I will dry away the tears, and let the silence roll me into oblivion. When I wake up, I feel empty, but I like it in days following the nights that made me feel like I was going to succumb to the anxiety, fear, and the memories from my childhood.

Eventhough I have more of these memories from when I stepped into my teens, more horrifying than the childhood memories, my brain still holds onto the ones from when I was very little, maybe because no one deserves to feel like their childhood memories will be the end of them.

My beloved family,

A 5 year old child does not deserve to be beaten so bad her sobs echo through the house, and her little body fights for every breath, for reasons neither you nor her can remember. A 5 year old child does not deserve to be laid hands on because she was being noisy about her brother hitting her. A child does not deserve to be degraded and destroyed before life has the chance to. A child should not feel like the worse thing happened to her is her family. Little girl, does she even know what life will do to her in a few years?

A teen, soon turning into a young adult, should not cry herself to sleep because of the memories she has from more than 10 years ago. From a time where memories fade and the mind does not remember. The mind does not remember. So then why does it hold onto the pieces that destroy her?

A little girl does not deserve to feel what depression is before even knowing what it is.

You took the naiveness and innocence God gave her, and turned it into bitterness. Turned it into something she spent years fighting, and still does.

I hope that you will read this someday, and regret your decisions. Because if you have made me bitter, it comes out for you first.

Your destroyed daughter

 

The little girl is a warrior by the way, did you know? She will champion on as she turns eighteen next month. As the time for her to leave the house you haunted her in comes close. The girl has learnt to not only fight the demons in her siblings and father, but she is a pro in fighting her inner demons, and the demons life has thrown on her. The little girl has grown up too fast. She is stronger and smarter than you can ever imagine, and she will fight for a life where she doesn’t have to remember.

So my toxic family, you may have destroyed the naive, innocent and precious me, but I have acquired strenght, hope, and the power of being truthful to myself. You will watch me while I rise from the ashes you threw me in. And you will watch me end up in a place where I will not need you. And your selfish hands won’t be able to hurt me anymore. But till that time comes, you will see me get better at fighting this war. And I will show you.

You may have never heard of chaotic mess, but you created her.

 

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CIE Results

‘Failure will not describe you. It will be an event in your life.’ My chemistry teacher’s voice ring in my ears as I try to calm this racing heart. I don’t know what to think. 14 hours remain till the results. I don’t know if I fear my disappointment more or my toxic father’s reaction to it.

I know I shouldnt be disappointed when it comes. I didnt work hard for it and you suouldn’t expect crops to grow without sowing seeds. But this heart that speeds up every now and then thinking about it.

‘It will not define me.’ I tell myself. I believe it too. I am more than that. I will rise back stronger after tomorrow’s setback. I will rise back so strong that it will stun my enemies. And people who will celebrate my downfall tomorrow will be speechless when I make a comback,

No matter what happens, i will get through it.

But the heart still beats madly.

Maybe I’ll do what I do best now and go to sleep. I’m slep deprived anyways.

If you are going through a similae feeling, know that no matter what happens, it will happen for good. Believe in where life tskes you. Give it your hest shot. If you have regrets, remedy them. Do NOT sit all alone harming yourself (both physically and mentally).

May the odds be ever in our favour. (Lol a HG fan)

Random Rambling

Hello wordpress, and especially my seven followers (lol). (Thankyou for that btw, I find it weird that someone found my words worthy enough to hit a follow!)

I posted about anxiety over new school year the other day and thought an update was overdue . If you want to peek into how chaotic and messy my life is, here you go. After stressing and being anxious about it for days and nights and that last night especially, I got to college at 10 to find out all my classes had finished (the last one was going to finish at 10:30). That’s what the timetable said! So I obviously didn’t go to my last class because it would be a waste, only to find out that that teacher ends the class at 11. The regret of missing the one hour I could have been in class, I’ll just let you imagine it. That was a Thursday. Friday was off (because of some event at school) and then came the weekend. So my first day of new school year actually starts tomorrow.

Also if you’re thinking why the heck would anyone start a new school year on a thursday for a day only followed by a long weekend, the new year started on wednesday, the 1st of Aug. But I wasn’t ready for that kind of torture, since I had been telling myself all summer that its just a rumour and they will actually delay the date. The thing is, the school year actually starts in September, but because our courses are supposed to be lenghty, our year was supposed to start classes from the 1st of Aug.

Anyways, enough of the dates. The funny thing is, I feel zero anxiousness right now. Maybe stepping inside the building and roaming the corridors for an hour alone was all it took for me to say good bye to the bubbling anxiety about new school year.

Eventhough, my stress levels are low, something has been bugging me. I’m expecting my exam result in three days, which I know I did bad in. The result doesn’t bother me. I have forgiven myself for letting it be that way, and have come up with a plan to remedy it. But if you have read my post about toxic parents, you’ll have figured out that I live with a toxic father. And he’s not only toxic, he’s bipolar, he’s abusive, he cares ALOT about our exam results (because he wants to boast infront of people) and he’s already beaten me when I was 12 for getting an 83% in grade 8. Sick shit.

I want to talk to him about it before the day, but he’s in THAT mood these days and I doubt i’ll get the opportunity. But I do not want the day to come and having him given no warnings about it. And it’s worrying me a little.

Maybe we’ll have to wait and see what happens. The only thing that motivates me is that time goes on. And that the day will come and go. Whatever his reaction might be will come and go. My plan will not change. I will be steadfast with my goals. However hard they might be. I will move even if I have to crawl. And there will come a time when these will only be memories I won’t have time and space for in my lives. Because I will be in a better place.

Enough of the ramblings, its 3 in the morning. I should get some sleep if I donot want to miss all my classes today as well. Remember me in your prayers.

Signing off

Chaotic Mess

 

I Need To Tell You

I'm Sick and So Are You

One day, lamenting the fact that my hands were in so much pain I could not finish coloring a page in my snazzy new adult coloring book, I was met with this unsolicited advice:

My hands hurt, too, but I just take my time and if it takes me a week to color a page then it takes me a week. Remember, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. 

Cool story, bro, but you’re going to have to take your candy coated zen master bullshit elsewhere because I’m telling you my hands hurt. I’m telling you that these hands used to wedge clay and spend hours at the pottery wheel without so much as a cramp or an ache. Now, there are days that I can’t open a pickle jar.

These hands used to garden and grate and chop and slice and type and write and color and do all…

View original post 789 more words

Feeling anxious about new school year

Today I start another school year, my last school year. I never thought in a milion years that I would enter a new school year full of anxiety. My last year didn’t go too well, I’m going to have to re-take my exams in November, while making sure I balance out time for this year. Last year not only did I discover that I am not the confident person I’d like to be, but developed more and more insecurities about myself. Developing insecurities when you’re trying to be confident doesn’t really help. So between last August and this one, I let my grades fall, insecurities grow, stressed so much more, binge ate (while trying to lose weight) so much more. I’m going to let it out here, that I failed myself BIG time. Oh and the three friends I had moved away one by one. So now not only do I have to go back to the place I’m dreading, but go back there ALONE. With more insecurities and anxieties than I’ve ever had. Add in the fact that I have to stress about my future. Cherry on top.

I’m trying so so hard to focus on the positive, which has become my motto for quiet some time now. Atleast this year can’t be worse than last one, because that was the worst. Or maybe the fact that eventhough I have failed big time, I have discovered my weaknesses and my aim for this school year will be to overcome those weaknesses. Maybe I can come back to this post in about an year and see how far I’ve come. I really hope that that happens. I can’t bear going more downhill.

I’ve decided that maybe writing down my goals will help calm me and will help stay sane. So my goals for the following year will be:-

1) Study hard. Work hard. Remember, good things don’t come free.

2) Talk to more people. Juniors, teachers, classfellows.

3) Lose 30 pounds by the end of the year.

4) Make excercise a habit.

5) Give yourself some time. Pamper your skin, hair.

6) Start your second blog page.

7) Focus on the positive.

Eventhough I am screaming internally, I will put on a smile, push my fears to a side, and march with the best stride I can manage, in hopes that things will get better, and this time will pass. Because hope conquers fear.

How to overcome social anxiety?

Have you ever been envious of your fellows being all confident and able to do and say whatever they wanted? I know I have. Growing up I had always been the confident kid, but it faded over the years as I entered into my teens. The social pressure to fit in coupled with my family constantly putting me down shattered every shed of confidence I had. And I hated it. I knew that this wasn’t how I was going to spend my life. I wasn’t going to let silly voices inside my head take away important opportunities from me. I had already missed more opportunities than I could keep count by the time I realised it had to change, but like they say, ‘its never too late’.

Since the time I started challenging and pushing myself, I have improved immensely. My confidence level has shot up and I can do and say things I could have no imagined a few years ago. I am not where I want to be yet, but atleast I’m not where I started. Here are some ways that I would recommend you try to gain confidence.

1.  Challenge yourself. Start doing things that scare you out of your wits. When your heart says no, tell your heart to shutup, grit your teeth and do it. Sign up for school activities. Say yes to parties and meet ups. Say hello to your crush. Constantly remind yourself that this is not how you want to spend the rest of your life and things need to change.

2. Start slow. Thinking about everything you can’t do and should start doing will overwhelm you and you might not want to do it at all. Start easy. Take slow steps. Volunteer answers in class. Smile at strangers. Set targets for yourself if that makes it easier for you. Write them down. For example one of my earliest target was to speak atleast thrice in the debating session I had volunteered for.

3. Stop being embarrassed. It is very important to understand that embarrassments are nothing but your mind telling you you’re stupid, or you shouldn’t have done that. It is absolutely alright if you shout out a wrong answer. It is alright if you get caught up in your words. You are human. You are going to have human traits. You are going to make mistakes. And trust me when I say, everyone around you does the same mistakes as you. It’s just that not everybody overthinks about them. If you feel embarrassed by something you did, ask yourself: ‘Is it going to matter in ten years that I slipped in the hallway? Will this perosn even remember me in ten years? Will I even remember him?’. Most of the times, the answer to these questions is a no. Smile, joke about it with your friends, and push it to a corner of your mind. It does NOT matter. Take a deep breath. Move on.

4. Do not let negitivity around you effect you. I know from personal experience how people who try to put you down can effect you. How words can play with your mind. But those words and negitivity will not get to you if you in your mind know that you are so much better than the words of people who do not matter. Do not let them win. Do not assume your worth from words of people who want to see you fail.

5. Count your improvements. Don’t think about how much is left to do. Think about what you did today that you couldn’t yesterday. Note them down. When you come back to read them after more improvements, you’ll notice how things that were once an accomplishment are now somehing that you do wihout a second thought. And that will be the greatest feeling in the world.

5 ways to live with a toxic parent

Having a toxic parent is soul crushing. Having toxic parents is soul destroying. Being an underage child with one or two toxic parent/s is soul burying. Because there’s not much you can do. Especially if you live in a place where child services are non existent. So what can you do in these circumstances? You can’t leave. You don’t want to stay. You dread every passing moment because every second gone makes you closer to seeing your parent/s. Who would either show up and be like the parent you day dream about. Or they would show up and be like the parent you have nightmares about.
So you go online to see if there are some good advices. From my experiences, my visits to Uncle Google haven’t been very great. Most of the advices that you see are about calling for child services (which don’t exist where I live), or they tell you to sit and talk to your parent (which is laughable), and on it goes.
Because every family is different. Every toxic parent will not show the exact same symptoms. And every child will not have the same solutions (if there are any). I’m not here to tell you how to deal with toxicity, I’m here to tell you how to live with it.
1) Find your aesthetic. Find something you enjoy doing. Find something you’re passionate about. And concentrate on it. Heal your pain through your passions. Do you want an example? I had to face my toxic father an hour ago. And after I had wiped my tears dry, I picked up my phone and logged into my blog, to write. Because writing eases my pain. And trust me when I say, your pain slides away. The slide may be slow, dull and rocky, but there is one. And it’s worth it. If your aesthetic is music, sketching, drawing, writing, creating, even bathing, GO FOR IT.
2) Make a plan. Surely you have plans of escaping one day, if not now. Look into your plan. If it’s going to college, look for universities, look into your programmes, research your options. If you’re planning to move cities or countries, research. Not only will you end up with a good plan, but looking for escape routes will calm your mind and satisfy your heart. You will get yourself out of this environment, in the right way.
3) Start doing things that will eventually help you in your escape. If thats studying hard for college, get your books and get to it. If thats earning money, get to your job, look for better jobs. Again, the satisfaction is worth it.
4) Focus on the positive. If you read my last post, you will know how I try to do this. Divert your mind to the positivity around you. And if you’re already thinking, ‘there is no positivity around me’, you are trained to be so negative that your mind refuses to even acknowledge the tiniest of positivities. Think. Look around you. You will find positivity and things to be grateful for. Things other people could only dream of having. You want an example? The internet.
5) Let it out. Do NOT bottle thoughts inside you. It will only create destruction. Talk. Let it out. Talk to a counsellor. If you don’t have one, talk to a friend. If you don’t have one, talk to a close family member. If you don’t have that, login to free apps to find support (7 cups for example). If you can’t even do that, reach out to me and I will get back to you.
I know it’s hard. You only have to remember that it will pass. Good times will come. Just make sure you’re there to see them.

Signing off

Chaotic mess xx