These days will pass

Hello internet and by any chance some real people who read this. When I made this blog, I thought I’d write about my interests, my good and bad days, teach things I’m good at and possibly motivate readers. So far, this blog has been nothing but a chaotic mess (ironic). But life is having it in for me these days, which is a real downer. But I’ve come to realize that I can’t just sit through it and wait for better days to start writing properly. So I may as well blog these days, in hopes that I might find some inspiration and support (too much to expect when you have hardly any readers, but oh well), and writing makes me feel better, so why not?
My problems may not seem big. They probably aren’t. I know they aren’t. But for the time being, they are taking a toll on every minute of my day. The worst part of being in a sticky situation is the realization that it’s all your fault. The knowledge of being guilty for being in a bad place in life is probably the worst feeling. Regret doesn’t have a bad name for no reason. Neither does wasted time. Unfortunately, I have both: regret and wasted time that I will never get back. The sorrow this brings seems to drown me.
They say never be afraid of your dreams. They say work for your dreams. You see, like every human being in this world, I have some dreams. And like every useless human being in this world, I am failing to work for them. My only excuse is that this last year has  been a blur for me. I sit here regretting the time I didn’t even know flew by.  It went by so fast, and I was too slow to notice that. It’s hard not to hate yourself for what you put yourself through. It’s hard to make it through when you have negative thoughts, regret, fear of letting others down running fast in your head. It’s hard to hold yourself accountable and know that there is nothing you can do to bring back time. It’s hard. Really. Hard.
As much as I might seem like I’ve given up hope, let me tell you that that’s not who I am. I may waste time, I may make stupid decisions, I may regret them, I may cry myself to sleep alone in my bedroom because of the regret, but I will never give anything the power to convince me that it is the end of the world. Because it’s not.
I don’t know whether I’m trying to be gloomy or motivational, but it’s just how i feel. Lost, sad, but with the strong belief of being able to turn the tables.
Let me know if you relate to the feelings I feel, and if you have any advice, I’m all ears.
Till then,
Signing off
Chaotic mess

Trapped

Do you ever just feel so trapped inside your own body? Like every particle inside of you is struggling to come out. You want to escape. You want to get as far away as possible from everything. Far away from your home. From your family. From your relations. From your commitments. Nothing makes sense.

It’s like everything in your life doesn’t matter. But at the same time everything does matter. It consumes you. It makes your heart so heavy you feel like you are carrying a huge stone in your chest rather than a blood pumping organ. Your heart rushes like its life depends on it. And you are overcome with a feeling so huge and heavy that it threatens to bury you. The heart beats so fast, yet you have trouble breathing.

Because nothing in life is right.

And the feeling keeps coming back…

I am here today and giving this blog a go for several reasons. Firstly, I want to be able to say out loud whatever I want to, and know that there are people out there (hopefully) that will listen to me and probably relate. Secondly I want to be able to make new friends and expose myself to a world that exists outside of my little environment. Thirdly, I want to feel better at times when my depression gets the better of me.

Will you follow alog with me in unraveling the chaotic mess my mind is.

I would love to connect with you reading this right now. If you’d like that too, comment down below and I will get back to you 🙂

Till then

Signing off

Chaotic Mess